i have some goals i’ve set for myself in 2016, but i’m not going to publish them publicly. first off, the last time i did this (a year ago), i had a list of 40 things i wanted to do in 2015 and i think i flaked on at least half of them. second off, i think i’m going to start playing my cards closer from now on. a friend told me recently that – on my last blog – i pretty much just laid out all my cards. no fancy guesswork needed over there, sirs. who wasn’t concerned with maintaining a single bit of mystery? –>THIS girl –>
it is true: i am bad at poker. ask anyone who’s ever played a game of cards with me. ask anyone who’s ever played a game with me, period. i suck at games in general actually, and i think it’s maybe because i’m too emotional, and i like the underdog to win, and i think people take advantage of it and of me. and i am tired of being taken advantage of. (that may or may not be a 2016 goal, btw.) (sigh. see? i’ve already shown you one of my 2016 cards. but i’m going to get better, i mean it!)
since i’m still learning how to be mysterious, can i do a wish compilation right now instead of a new years goal thing that i’m just going to flake on? things i wish for in 2016 are the following:
*to be kissed like THIS, like 100 times:
(i mean, seriously, you guys. just fast forward through all that stupid food stuff and get to 1:22 where IT STARTS. good god, internet, what ridiculous acting class did jason isaacs and sofia milos take to learn to do that and why did i major in education for godssake??)
…but i only want to be kissed like that by someone who genuinely loves me. and if i can’t be kissed like that by someone who loves me, then i do not want to be kissed at all in 2016.
……………………..okay, fine. i do want to be kissed in 2016 like 100 times no matter what. but if it’s by someone who doesn’t genuinely love me, can he at least have a british accent and nice eyes?
*to have a piece of writing (at least one) published, by a reputable outfit.
(i mean, simon & schuster would be okay. but i’ll take insipidpsychoticlittletales.com or whatever…as long as they aren’t shady.)
*to take one trip somewhere amazing, foreign or domestic, preferably foreign but i realize i’m poor so i’ll accept domestic.
…with someone amazing (even if that means i have to travel alone)
to eat awesome meals at places like THIS:
…with someone amazing (even if that means I have to eat with me, myself, and i).
*to see more live theatre plays.
…with someone amazing (even if that means i have to go alone).
but also: i wish to have more up and even days than down and odd days, and i would like to care less. yes, more than anything, i wish to care less about other people and more about me…unless someone amazing comes along, and then we’ll care about each other evenly. i wish.
last year, at this time, i wrote a bunch of goals for 2015. but at the end, i wrote a wish – for myself, but for anyone reading it as well. if only i’d taken a look at it periodically throughout 2015, possibly i’d have done better at most of what i said i wanted.
ah well. no matter; one of my wishes in 2016 is to stop beating myself up so much (crap. yes. YES! that’s actually a 2016 goal, not a wish. this not sharing as many secrets is really going to be the hardest, you guys. but i’m determined.) (no, i’m actually being quite serious. WHY ARE YOU SMIRKING.)
things i said i wanted to do better at, in 2015, that i’m still focusing on in 2016:
*being open to lots of different kinds of people and experiences (excluding marmite). –actually i did pretty well at this in 2015 – met lots of different people, had several different experiences in 2015.
….totally, absolutely, successfully avoided marmite, all 365 days of 2015. winning!
*be less judgmental. –oooh, this was, and continues to be, a hard one. will continue working on it in 2016.
*ask for forgiveness more. –i’m pretty supercalifragilisticexpialidocious at this. why i even made it a focus in 2015 is beyond me; “I’m sorry” is as natural as breathing to me. i bet my focus should be on asking for LESS forgiveness, and doing whatever the hell i freaking want.
*gratitude. — later today, i’m going out to buy a jar. a jar for gratitude and happiness. i will fill it in 2016, i will fill it each day. because i totally sucked at this in 2015.
*in 2015, i wanted more peaceful moments, kindness and generosity, art and writing, to break out of my comfort zones, to travel, and reflect. i think i did mostly good at all of this, with some sad spots here and there, but no one can be perfect, can they? i didn’t travel like i wanted to, but that was and continues to be a money issue. i didn’t write as much as i wanted to, but my life was an emotional roller coaster and i spent the latter part of 2015 in a veil of tears, mostly.
i certainly did quite a lot of reflecting…as i broke out of my comfort zones. oh, my comfort zones in 2015 were all blown wide, wide open, that’s foh shizzle. eye opening, what comfort zones being blown wide open can and will do for you, and how quickly this will make you examine closely who you are, and what you actually do and don’t want. …….i read recently that, when you’re faced with a hard decision, to toss a coin. not to let fate decide for you, but because as the coin is in the air, you’ll suddenly know which side you really want it to land on…and ta da! there’s your answer. therefore, i will toss more coins, in 2016. (and that’s not a goal, that’s a PLAN.)
*oh, and! i said i wanted connection. which i think i did get. i made some good new friends in 2015, and that was a happy part of 2015. which is why i can’t wait to find out who i get to meet in 2016. the universe is always so awesome at flinging the most interesting, fascinating people into our paths, at just the moment we need them. and sometimes, if we’re lucky, we actually get to keep them.
My wish for you, whoever you are reading this, is that your 2015 is filled with millions of blessings, a lot of laughing, kisses and hugs from people who know and love you the best (or why not? kisses and hugs from complete strangers if that’s what you’re into), at least one grand adventure you can talk about for a very long time, and some really amazing moments of peace and grace filled with the knowledge you’re not alone in any of this. And maybe also one amazing new friendship, and lots and lots of art, whichever kind makes you the happiest.
which was pretty astute of me, not knowing – when i wrote that – all of the twists and turns that were in store for me later in 2015. now, having twisted and turned my way through 2015, i think i’d like to note that life itself seems like one grand adventure, doesn’t it?
and so. for 2016, my wish for you, whoever you are reading this, is that this year’s adventure is filled with one big blessing every day, a lot of laughing, kisses and hugs from people who know and love you best (or from complete strangers because life’s short, so why the heck not), wonderful moments of peace and grace and stories and songs and poetry and art that will let you know you are not alone, we are not alone in any of this. i wish one lovely new friendship for you, someone who will teach you something gigantic, kiss you, hug you, laugh and cry with you, and sometimes just sit quietly with you watching life. i wish you connection and gratitude, an open heart, and lots and lots and lots of art, whichever kind fills you up with waves of ecstasy and joy. and i wish you lots of coins, that land exactly as you were hoping they would, when you toss them.
welcome, 2016. welcome to our world – our messy, happy, sad, scary, peaceful, loud, quiet, confusing, exhilarating, gorgeous, amazingly blessed in spite of ourselves crazy old world. be gentle with us, 2016, because we are a fragile species. but we love stories, so please give us all some kick ass tales to entertain each other with for the next 364 days, …and please make some of them incredibly, eye-popping wild.