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Amyology

This is my yang to last post’s yin. For every processing/stalker/internet harassment post I put up, I present something ridiculous to balance. Because I said I would, and when I say I will, I do. It’s just how I operate.

So listen. On Facebook, they have this memory thingie: here’s what you did in 2011! And look at what you were doing in 2014! And look at you in 2009!

It is both amusing, horrifying, nostalgic, and upsetting all at once.

At any rate, this 2009 Amyology  Facebook memory thingie popped up in my timeline. If you’re interested in me, version 2009, then I’ve made that public and you can go read all about who I was/where I was at 7 years ago. (Where does time GO?!)

Here, however, I’m just going to answer the questions for 2016. Because I don’t even remember 2009, let alone 2015. (Ha, joking. Year 2015 will go down in infamy.)

FOOD-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice?

Creamy Caesar. Ken’s Steakhouse. (In 2009, I liked an Asian dressing by Ken’s Steakhouse. I think this means I change, yet stay consistent. Because predictable.)

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

What ISN’T my favorite sit-down restaurant? Well, if I don’t have much money you can’t beat Mexican. Miss M and I have a place called Frontera that we love a lot, mostly for its cheese dip. If I want to feel very bourgeois yet fancy, I like a place called Marlowe’s Tavern. But if I have a crapload of extra money to spend and want to feel very very VERY fancy I love this restaurant called Seasons 52 – they change their menu with every season. And if am NOT paying and feel very very very very very very VERY VERY fancy, I like Canoe. I have not eaten at Canoe in almost 10 years. THAT’S how fancy it is.
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?

What food COULDN’T I eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of? pizza, sushi, mashed potatoes, and cake. chocolate, chocolate cake. in fact, i think i just described my perfect dinner. (This was my 2009 answer, and I’m totally leaving my 2009 answer as is. You can take the favorite foods girl out of 2009, but you can’t take 2009 out of the favorite foods girl.)

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese, pepperoni, sausage, green peppers (the peppers let me fool myself I’m eating healthy)

What do you like to put on your toast?

In 2016 I’m not answering this question. I don’t eat much toast. Unless I’m sick, and then it’s just butter. (Which means I just answered this question. Cannot stick to a plan even if my life was at stake.)

TECHNOLOGY
How many televisions are in your house?

Two – bedroom and living room. I used to have more, but then you know…I kinda downsized. Way downsized.

What color cell phone do you have?

White, with a blue protective cover that does not protect cell phone screens at all from concrete.

Who was the last person to call you?

Michele, sister in law. So we could laugh at and make fun of my brother. Which is why she’s not just my sister in law, she’s my  friend.

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. But I really feel like I’d be more awesome if I were left-handed.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

Four wisdom teeth and a baby. (That sounds like a TV show my daughter would watch.)

What is the last heavy item you lifted?

My body. Out of bed. At 5:15 AM.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

Nope. Don’t want to know and don’t want to be conscious when it happens.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Delilah. Or Anais. Or, how about: Delilah Anais.

Something ancient and dangerous and seductive and free-spirited, but also something that embodies Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, just that one part she tells a boardroom full of egomaniac male chauvinists: “DOOOOON’T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS!”

(I can hear all the men hiding their knives and scissors right now.)

Men! I kid! I love you, men. But not if you’re an egomaniac or a chauvinist. If you’re one of those, you should get an orange tan and a bad comb over and run for president of the United States.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

Only if I could pour it over food while eating at Canoe.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

Infinity.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

I avoid the police as much as possible. As a white girl, the police are generally no problem for me, yet I’ve watched enough television news to feel like I ought to avoid the police as much as possible, at least on principle. I mean, on the one hand, they’re irresistibly hot…in their come-hither uniforms with their muscle-y arms and aviator sunglasses and sexy, hi ho hi ho “Hello, dear maiden! I am heeere to SAVE the day!” kind of vibe. On the other hand, they’re also known hiders of evidence, liars under oath, and may – in certain areas of this great country – have a bit of a problem with racial profiling and successfully recognizing other people’s civil rights.

So I can’t remember the last run-in I had with the cops. But I did see a really hot firefighter rescuing someone the other day and I almost got into a wreck to look at him doing it. Saviors in uniform. I have no resistance.

Last person you talked to in person:

A co-worker. I don’t remember about what, but it was at the end of the day so I’m certain it was whiny and unproductive.

Favorite Month?

June. All that hot, lazy summer ahead of me! These days, it’s the only reason to be a teacher. (But I’m about to sign up for 2 very long summer courses, and so…I’m sure I’ll be here in June whining about that. Just… you know. Be ready for it.)

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?

I miss my dad. Right now, Miss M is at her dad’s, and I miss her. I miss a lot of people I wish I could see all the time. (Oh god. This was a horrible time to answer this part of the -ology thingie, you guys, because I just realized: crap. I am so lonely right now. I like the quiet. But I would also like someone to brush my hair and be silly with me. I am eternally never satisfied.)
Mood?

Lands, y’all. I’ve got so many moods these days you don’t even know. I am finally beginning to come out of the gigantically furious rage stage. That was no fun, no fun at all. But now I kind of just ping between this and that, here and there, up and down. It’s exhausting.

What are you listening to?

My upstairs neighbors stomping around. Also, I think they got surround sound because sometimes it sounds like bombs are going off in my ceiling. And they have a barky bulldog, or something that sounds like a barky bulldog. That dog is just barking to be an asshole, I swear it. One evening last week, they sounded like they were ice skating up there. Ice skating! Across their wood floors.

Also, they go to bed at 10:00 PM every night. Know how I know? Because they walk back and forth, baaaaack and forth, across the bedroom. I don’t know what they’re doing up there or why. How many times do I walk back and forth across my bedroom when I go to bed? I think maybe 3 times – once to change into PJs and throw my clothes onto the floor area of my closet I’ve designated “dirty clothes” area, once to go to the bathroom to wash my face/brush my teeth, and then back to get into bed. My upstairs neighbors walk across their bedroom 10,000 times before getting into bed. Like they’re lumbering elephants, trekking back and forth from their water source.

I miss my house.

Watching?
ABC News. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are being weird again. This time it’s about each other’s wives. Ted posted a picture of Donald’s woman lying half-naked on some animal fur and you can see her hoo-ha, and he goes: America, meet your next First Lady. So Donald got on Twitter (because that’s so presidential) and goes: Lyin’ Ted Cruz! Careful or I’ll spill the beans on  your wife! (or something like that.) And then Ted goes: Oh, HELL no! Donald better be careful! It’s one thing to attack me, but don’t attack my wife!

And I’m on my sofa going, but wait. Didn’t you…kinda…attack his first by calling her a slut? That’s kind of the message your ad sent: Hey, America! Here’s your next First Lady, a naked whore! And that’s bad form, Ted. (Jesus God, what fucking alternate universe IS this, you guys?! What are these crazy guys doing to America?! I’m actually defending Trump. Defending him! I need a vacation. We ALL need a vacation.)

Oh, and now ABC has cut to a shot of Donald talking about how we should nuke countries that harbor ISIS.

I mean, what??? Holy shit, America.

Worrying about?

Oh my god, what am I NOT worrying about? I’m like what a neurotic Jew and a guilty Catholic would produce from an act of adultery in the basement of a whorehouse on the Sabbath.

RANDOMOLOGY

What’s the last movie you watched?

Sixteen Candles, with my sweet friend Becky. A local dinner/movie theater was showing it for $3. We relived the 80s! She was in high school when this movie came out and I was getting ready to go to high school. So it was different this time because we didn’t just watch it with popcorn. We watched it with popcorn and BEER. Oh, the music! Oh, the bad home decor! Oh, the hair! Oh, the 10 million buttons pinned all over jean jackets, to show the world just how snarky, bad ass, and hipster you really were.

By the way, today we do the jean jacket button thing but we do it on social media, by posting things like THIS:

 

temper

Do you smile often?

See, this part of my problem. I smile WAY too much. I’d like to think I do it because I have Bitch Resting Face (no, seriously, I have Bitch Resting Face), but I know it’s simply because I’m too big a freaking people pleaser: Please love me! Here, see? I’m smiling! So I’m totally friendly. What can I do for you today? Hold the door open? Lend you five dollars? Buy you a plane ticket to Tahiti? Because PLEASE LOVE ME.

In 2016, I can see I’m totally getting better about this. I find I am less and less willing to put up with other people’s bullshit.

Yet I still. can’t. stop. effing. smiling.

Do you always answer your phone?

Well, I don’t answer unknown or private caller numbers anymore. To get me to respond as you call, you have to be logged into my phone.

I hate talking on the phone. If I talk on the phone with you for longer than 10 minutes, it’s a compliment. Or you talk too much and I’ve fallen asleep. Or I just don’t know how to gracefully exit the conversation.

It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

Why would someone do that, though? Text someone they know is sleeping at 4 AM? This feels awfully passive aggressive.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for blue or green eyes. I got poopy brown ones. …but you know what eye color I really want? THIS kind:

eyes
Yes. AND I want the teeth.

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

Sonic?!?! NO.

Do you own a digital camera?
Yes, but I never use it anymore. All my photos are iPhone specials.

Have you ever had a pet fish?

Yes. I called it Goldie, because it was a goldfish and I lacked originality when I was 7. Today if I got a fish, I’d get a Japanese Fighting Beta and call it Sensai Rocky Balboa. Because I continue to lack originality at 44.

Favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night. Sung accapello in a large group of people holding candles in the dark? O. M. G., Internet. I’m totally welling up right now just thinking about it.

What’s on your wish list for your birthday?

I already had my birthday, and I was given love. I got to celebrate with people I find genuinely awesome, and I felt completely loved and cared about. That’s pretty much the only thing I’d wish for these days – to love deeply, to feel deeply loved, to be surrounded by people I feel blessed to know. Just love.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

Both.

Do you have any saved texts?

I used to erase texts because they eat up memory space, and I still do. But ones that mean a lot to me, I’ll keep for awhile so I can go back and re-read them. (Are you going to think I’m totally weird if I tell you that sometimes I kiss a forefinger, touch the text, and send a big wave of love to the person who sent it to me? You’re totally judging me, I can just feel it. Fine. I’m erasing your texts then, and no mystical text-kisses for YOU.)

Ever been in a car wreck?

Yes. Aren’t car wrecks so weird? It’s like the world just goes totally slo-mo and really really quiet, and it feels like frozen time…until suddenly BAM! Everything speeds up super fast and all is chaos. Brains do that, I think. Crazy.

At any rate, the last really bad car wreck I was in, I was 4 months pregnant with Miss M. I’d just come from a monthly pre-natal check up. An SUV stopped in the middle of the road for no reason, so I stopped behind it, trying to figure out what it in the world it was doing and why and then BAM. Big huge tow truck slammed into the back of my car, pushing me into the back of the SUV. The tow truck driver came running to my window to see if I was okay and the SUV took off. Just took off! Tailgate dragging and everything. Dipwads.

My car was totaled, but I was okay. Then later that evening, I called Kaiser’s nurse help line because I started to get worried something had happened to my baby. I remember being on the phone with her, very calm and just describing what had happened then suddenly breaking down and sobbing in terror. The nurse (this is why I love nurses) was firm and reassuring and told me that it’s hard to hurt a baby – amniotic sacs are like safety cages for them. (Who knew??)  C and I went to the ER just in case, but everything was okay.

Moral to this tale: People who are dipwads and stop in the middle of the road for no reason should be forced into a locked room with no windows and poor air circulation for 48 hours. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz should be thrown into the room with them, and then the dipwads have to sit, strapped to a chair, while those two jerk offs scream insults to each other about their wives’ sexy time skills and the length of their penises.

Do you have an accent?

Well, I know how to turn on the Southern. (Much like British, Scottish, and Irish accents, I find I get a little melty around Southern accents, too…I think because, like UK accents, they’ve got a lilt to them.) But I think my regular speech pattern is more like Cher from Clueless. (As if.)

What is the last song to make you cry?

Every time.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Oh, I feel like I hit rock bottom about 50 times a month.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday:

school lunch, gas, and coffee.

Have you ever been given roses?

Yes, a lot.

Current hate?

I hate my inability to stay consistent emotionally. I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine…so I’ll start to go: okay, I got this. I know how to feel about this now…or: I know know how I’m going to handle this…or: I think I can see light.

And then something will happen, or I’ll see something, or someone will say something and…pfffft. Back to square one, clawing my way back out of the tunnel.

I am exhausted, y’all. My soul needs soothing. I’m okay, for the most part. But I do think I’d like someone to rub some Triple Paste on my soul  for awhile.

Met someone who changed your life? When?

Without a doubt, my little girl. She is my light, my world, my biggest blessing. I remember when I found out for sure I was pregnant with her. It was a true moment of clarity, a big whoosh of relief and calm. A great, “Oh yeah. THIS is a huge reason why you were put here.”

I remember being pregnant with M before she started moving to where I could feel her kicking around inside of me. I’d think: this is what God is like. God is there, you can’t feel It, you can’t see It, but It’s there. So I would talk to M in there, like I sometimes talk to God. She wouldn’t answer, and I wasn’t sure if she could even hear me. But for some reason, I just felt like she was listening.

I wish men could experience this. I bet there’d be no more war.

What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Sleeping. Thank god I was sleeping. Sleep is so so good.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

Alarms are of the devil. Curse thee to hell, thou alarm! …I might have thrown in the F bomb, too.

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