10 things, dark and light.

So. Moving on, everybody. Onwards, upwards. Re-focusing in a really refocus-y kind of way.

Can I tell you 10 things about me? Five things I can’t stand, five things I can’t exist on this planet without. The bad news and the good news. Let’s do the bad news first, since I always like to get the sads out of the way:

Five Things I Wish Would Go Away Forever.

1.  Waking up before 8:00 AM. I am willing to work until 6 PM if you people who set work schedules will let me sleep until at least 8:00. Nobody should be out of bed before the sun is, unless they willfully choose a job/career that require it.

2. Reality TV. Why did this start, Internet? I think it was that MTV show, the one about the roommates in New York City back in the 90s. In fact, I bet MTV is responsible for at least 90% of the things that make 1st world countries so ridiculous. MTV and that old show Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. And celebrity gossip magazines.

3. Donald Trump. And everyone who votes for him who thinks he’ll fix this country. (No he won’t. Only getting rid of the things I said in #2 and letting everybody sleep until 8:00 AM will fix this place.)

4a. Religious people. I’m pretty spiritual. I do believe a Something is out there, and occasionally I talk to It. (And yes, that does mean I’m crazy, because I also talk out loud to myself and sometimes answer myself back.) People who read the Bible and other religious texts literally, I mean. They must go away, immediately. They are mucking up the place for the rest of us and are clogging up my Facebook feed with overly-intense Bible verses.

4b. Personality disordered/criminally insane/egotistical-you-owe-me people. I feel we should round them all up and find a very large tropical island to put them on. Give them Internet access but only Internet access so they can interact on the Internet with each other, dump food/drink/alcohol/antibiotics/etc to them twice a month, and just let them create their own fucked up, totally disordered society. They’ll breed, I’m sure, and eventually this will cause infighting and a Lord of the Flies kind of situation. But on an island. Far from the rest of us. One they can’t get off of because hungry Great White Sharks and giant flesh-eating squid are constantly patrolling the island’s shores. They are far, far away from the rest of us. Donald Trump will be their leader, and they will quote Bible verses to each other while watching Reality TV at 5:00 AM.

The rest of us will eat apples all the days in our new Garden of Eden.

5. Chronic misspellers. I am not perfect – there are times when I’m typing super fast or my brain is off kilter and I’ll forget to type a word (or even whole phrases) or I’ll type something like “I can’t wait to here what he said.” Or “I need a new pear of shoes.” And autocorrect is of the devil. If I’m in a big hurry, it’s entirely possible you’ll get a text from me that goes like this: hey in my way be their on 20 min. stuck if bad traffic. Bad spelling and English just happen in the 21st century and I err on the side of the humans before the computers, always.

What I’m talking about are people who are chronic at this. People who have plenty of time to check their texts for bad autocorrect and choose not to. People who clearly don’t know there is actually a difference between to and too (“I’d like someone to invent a margarita cupcake with tequila filling, TO.” “AAAGGHHH! Is the extra O to hard??”) Also, if you’re contracting the words you and are, you should be legally required to add an apostrophe and the letter e. It especially weirds me out if the people who don’t know to do that have college degrees. HOW does one get through college typing papers that say things like This is why your going to give me an A on this paper. It’s the best thing your going to read from the whole class. Your my favorite professor.

It especially, ESPECIALLY weirds me out if the people have college degrees and ARE TEACHERS. No. Just: NO. Those people need to go be teachers on the Donald Trump island.

Five Things I Cannot Exist on Earth Without.

1.  Stories and art. Books, poetry, paintings, songs, movies, tv shows…stories. On the one hand, personality disordered/criminally insane/overly religious/reality tv people and Donald Trump are a wealthy resource of story fodder. I mean, theoretically everybody says they want to live in the Garden of Eden where nothing bad ever happens and no narcissistic, horrible people are around. But nobody actually really wants to read a book or watch a movie about that, which is why reality TV is actually scripted – real life is boringly normal  (as long as you don’t know a lot of personality disordered people and have never heard of Donald Trump). Even kids’ cartoons – something terrible has to happen in them for a kid to even care.

…sooo I guess what I’m saying is put the crazies on Cray Cray Island but with cameras so we can watch and have some story fodder.

…which is kind of like me promoting reality tv, but remotely.

…which means there is no such thing as Utopia, so at least 2 of my 5 go away things are pipe dreams. Par for the course, Amy. Par for the course.

2. Jokes. Even in my worst moments, I can laugh if I am with someone who knows how to make me laugh. I prefer self-deprecating people who are highly sarcastic with a macabre sense of humor and a deep sense of irony. Do not want to be here without any of that.


3. Water. Not tap or bottled water – oceans, lakes, ponds, rivers, streams, waterfalls, even pools. One day I want to live near one or all of these. Water is healing, and the source of all Life. (No, seriously. Science says so – Google it.)

4a. Connection to other people. I’m finding, now that I’ve been through what I’ve been at the hands of the Internet, that I prefer physical connection. As in, let’s meet in person and hang out and become close that way. Online friends are awesome, yes. But in person friends…I think there’s something about actually touching someone or seeing someone’s facial reactions to a story that makes a big difference. And holding each other. It’s so important for people to touch and hold each other. We are all we’ve got to hang onto, on this crazy rocky planet.

4b. Solitude, quiet. After a lot of connection, if I don’t have this I am the opposite of fun to be around.

5. Sunny days. This year was very rainy and gloomy. It made me consider moving somewhere there’s 90% sun. I am just better on sunny days. That is all.

End Notes:

I didn’t put Miss M on the can’t-exist-without list because I’m constantly aware any number of terrible things can happen in this life, in this world. I think if you base your entire identity and reason for existence around another human being, be that person a significant other, parent, friend, or child, then you are going to be very very lost if anything really horrible happens. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. I think about the Syrian children refugees, children whose mothers and fathers sacrificed themselves for the sake of their children and are now without them – I can’t even imagine. I just sat in gushes of gobs of tears watching an episode of The Walking Dead in which Lori, the mom, gives up her life so her children can live and the good-bye to Carl…oh my god, I’m tearing up right now thinking about it. Cherish the people you love with all of you, know that none of it is permanent, be prepared to survive all of it. (But yes. If something bad ever happens to Miss M, I would not be okay for a very very very very very very very long time.)

And okay, fine. FINE. That was technically 12 things. But I like the number 10 better for lists like this. Breaking things up into 5’s just feels better because I don’t like things that are odd even though technically 5 is an odd number but when you put it together you make an even (which is so odd!).

(Which is why I’m not including that thing I just said about odd numbers on my Things That Must Go Away list, because then that would make 7 things that must go away + 6 things I can’t live without and 7 is odd but 6 is even and when you put them together it makes an odd, and that’s not acceptable.)

oh, and these. Cannot live without these. but in even numbers.