inner spinster head cold.

edit: there are numerous typos in this. they are because of the head cold, and i’m leaving them in so  you can get a real feel for my brain on a head cold. (i actually did edit this several times before hitting publish…THAT’S how effed up my brain is when riddled with viral infections.)


today i have a massive head cold. last friday, i was home sick with a massive sore throat and just something that felt like it was sucking the energy from me. i dealt with it thursday, friday, and all weekend. by monday, i felt fabulous. FABULOUS! tuesday was also fabulous! and wednesday…wednesday i was okay, until about 5:00 pm when i realized, huh. i don’t feel so fabulous right now. thursday morning i woke up with a raging head cold. which continued through today and i expect to contain itself by tomorrow evening because i got crap to do on sunday. and some margaritas to drink. by a pool. ain’t nobody got time for no head colds.

also, it is may. MAY. practically summer. not january, or just finishing-up-winter march. MAY. this is not acceptable, head cold gods. absolutely absurd. someone needs their viral throne defiled.

i had a training day at work today. it was not as fun as having denzel washington run it, but i’m pretty excited about working with my new esol team next year. those are some cool ladies, a few of whom i’ve missed dearly. i think next year at work is going to be a-okay. some stress, but not like i’ve been dealing with for the last 4 years of my life.

i feel yucky, you guys. it’s probably the head cold. once that clears up, i’ll take a nice long shower, slap on some lipstick, blow dry my hair properly (what i do now is this: blow dry it however, and pull it back in a bun), and start running again. just when i think: okay! the sun is out! the weather is warm! ready to start running again! …i get a freaking head cold. i also feel like i need to lose five hundred million pounds. except i keep seeing this article about contestants from the biggest loser not being able to keep their five hundred million pounds they lost off, because apparently our bodies love being fat once we make them that way. i am not even kidding, y’all: i’m pretty sure the head cold gods are totally having incestuous relations with the goddesses of obesity. stupid deities. (want me to sneeze on them and cover them with mucus? i totally will.)

donald trump is going to be the next republican candidate for election. this feels surreal, like america has glugged down five hundred billion liters of the cheap imitation nyquil i took last night. i keep telling myself: everything that happens, happens for a reason. i’m sure there’s a very important lesson here that all americans are supposed to be learning right now. not sure what that is at the moment, but i’m at a point in my life i don’t question it anymore i just say it is what it is. everything happens for a reason, and one day all truth will be revealed (or not, because i’ll be dead and won’t give two craps about what’s going on at this place anymore).

i would like a boyfriend, i think. but i’m not sure i’m good at relationships. this is what i thought about on my drives into work this week: i want to hang out with someone (an adult of the opposite sex) and have fun. but i don’t want them to be needy and clingy (oh god, noooo needy/clingy adults, please). i want a real, grownup man. but i want them to think i’m awesome, and i want to think they’re awesome like they think i’m awesome – noooo one-sided things, please. those aren’t fun. i want someone who is grounded, and is okay with being the yang to my yin of overthinking. i want someone who graduated high school and left it far behind. i want to put pictures of this person on my facebook and go: hey everybody, this person is really awesome, i can’t wait to see him tonight (or on saturday or whenever)! and have that person put my picture on his facebook and say the same thing about me. but oh god. that feels so high school. i don’t want to be a high school person anymore, or hang out with people who can’t keep their emotions in check and act like high school people. but also: relationships are really hard work and i’m so tired these days, so so tired. and possibly not good at relationships because look at my last one, just LOOK at it. you have to keep constantly communicating and checking in with each other and sometimes the other person wants you to do something you don’t want to do or they want you to not do something when you really want to do it, and then you have to make sacrifices or have conflict and oh god i can NOT do conflict right now, i’m too damn tired. a lot of times i just want to sleep a lot and not do any talking about anything. but goodness i would like a man to wake up next to, to lay my tired head cold head upon. he can do the same for me when he has a head cold. i reciprocate. …….omg. these head colds soooooo suck. i’m sure this sad/lonely/wistfulness will all pass once this head cold is finished, and i’ll be back to ms. independent bad ass. 

but then, today, my work drive thoughts went like THIS: men suck. i don’t think i like them very much anymore. i’m going to be a divorced spinster. MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU, MEN!!  and there was really no reason for me to have that thought because i’ve dealt with men who actually do truly suck, and none of the ones i currently have in my life suck or have given me any indication they’re going to start acting suck-y. so far. (you see?! that’s my inner spinster. she always pops up with those foreboding asides.) (my inner spinster also wants you to know about an awesome picture she saw from favorite writer liz gilbert on instagram the other day: liz had taken her lovely red stilettos off and was being interviewed barefoot. she captioned her picture: “i love my pretty shoes but they hurt me. i used to date men like this.” my inner spinster clapped in angry delight at that.)

anyway. it’s friday. yes, i’ve typed most of this in lower-case letters except for the parts i felt a sense of urgency to make a big point with you. sorry not sorry if that bothers you – so sue me, i’m like honey badger right now: don’t give a flying flip, doing whatever the hell i want. that’s what raging head colds do to you: turn you into honey badger. sunday is mother’s day. nobody tell my mom i have a head cold, or she might not come over because she’s a hypochondriac about getting head colds. it’s supposed to be sunny and almost 90 here in atlanta, so we’re going to grill steaks at my apartment complex’s state-of-the-art pool area and the children are going to go swimming and the mommies are going to watch them swim while drinking margaritas. and there will be men, but none of them have orange skin or the name donald and none of the men coming to the pool/mother’s day thing will be suck-y. (oh wait. my brother was a big, suck-y dopehead from the ages of 9-19. but he recovered and is okay now. except when he makes political jokes. his political jokes are NOT funny.)

what i most hope you walk away with, after reading this blog entry, is an unbalanced sense of being in a fog. an uncertainty about which part of you is up and which is down. a rather off-kilter feeling with a sudden urge to just lay down and beg the world to stop making noise. if you also have no sense of smell or taste and therefore no appetite, even better. now we’re cold buddies. let’s go make a sacrifice of half-eaten Ricola cough drops to the head cold gods.