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the NO blog.

The following are things (ideas) I’ve seen on Pinterest or while doing Google searches for images for this blog. And they are all getting a big ol’ NO from me.

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NO. Women are not businesses. We are not “things” to be bought or tweaked or traded. What?? This makes my inner angry feminist want to break out all her Xena warrior weapons and start screaming like a crazed, psychotic banshee.

 

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NO. Oh my god! NOOOO!!!! Edgar Watson Howe, no no no no NO. Edgar, I googled you and learned you were a 19th/early 20th century novelist and newspaper editor. You had such great advice, like: “When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.” and “If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.” But clearly you had strange ideas about women (“Nothing pleases a woman quite so well as to look so sweet that a man wants to kiss her, and then abuse him for his impudence.”  and “Somehow, everyone hates to see an unusually pretty girl get married. It is like taking a bite out of a very fine-looking peach.” I mean, huh?? You 19th/20th century dudes were WAY off track. No wonder you wore funny clothes.) Damn if I’m not livid some of your ideas have made it into the 21st century. You and I would NOT have been friends, Mr. Howe. Also, according to one Google image search picture, you smoked. Cough.

Listen ladies (and gentlemen): if you have to chase another person, then stop. Just STOP. Edgar was totally messing with you…that’s not how you show love. I know there’s a general and widely accepted knowledge that men still have an inner caveman that likes the thrill of pursuing a woman, the thrill of the paleo-human hunt. I get it; you men like to be able to beat your chests with how dashingly you bagged that chick. But listen: it doesn’t change the fact you show love by showing up. By being who you say you are. By telling the truth. By being consistent. By choosing them over and over again, because they’re worth it. If you find yourself chasing someone, at any level, and you are most definitely NOT bagging that person, then you need to stop, take a deep breath, look in the mirror and know that you are worth more. In addition, from personal experience, I will tell you that people who chase other people, even just a bit, typically scare the living beejeezus out of those other people and push them away…far far away. Don’t chase. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll find a way to be with you. If someone wants to talk to you, they’ll make time to talk to  you. If the connection is important, they’ll make an effort. And that goes for BOTH sexes. This is 2016 AD, not 16 BC. If you want to have sex on the 1st date, have sex. If the person you choose to do that with ghosts you or starts acting sketchy, let that loser go be a caveman with someone like the person who wrote the Jake Gyllenhaal list below…wait for it.

In the meantime, know your worth. You’re supposed to be at the TOP of someone’s totem pole of priorities. If they show you that you aren’t, then grab your knife and start carving them off the top of yours…NO SYMPATHY (ignore what Helen had to say below).

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NO. Helen Rowland, NO. I don’t care that you were a 19th/early 20th century journalist and humorist with a regular column in the New York World called Reflections of a Bachelor Girl. I’m certain you and Edgar knew each other and he high fived you whenever you churned out crap like this. This big ol’ NO is like Dante’s Levels of Hell rearranged, in four satanic layers.

Layer 1, Limbo: please find other reasons to be inspired besides a human being. Like sunsets, seeing the Mona Lisa in person at the Louvre, eating the best meal you’ve ever had, finding that perfect glass of wine that will never visit your palate ever again. But another human? Humans are such flakemeisters. THAT’S who’s going to help you write the next world-famous, Pulitzer Prize-winning novel? Seriously??

Layer 2, Fraud: Really, brilliance/brains are JUST interesting?? I’d hope they’d at least be, I dunno…inspiring?

Layer 3, Lust: I bet there’s, like, a whole multi-faceted human being behind all that beauty to be fascinated by. Like, maybe their brilliance.

Layer 4, Treachery: Really. REALLY. Sympathy is all it takes to “get” a man? First of all, if this were even remotely true, I’d be fielding off marriage proposals left and right every other week or month. All I got is sympathy in me. Second of all, people are not things to be “gotten.” If someone chooses to be with you, and you choose to be with them, consider it an honor.

And no joking: sunrises and songs are SO much more inspiring than other people. Other people are weird and unreliable. Weird and unreliable is the opposite of sexy and inspiring. (However, if you can find someone who’s weird yet reliable, well…maybe they’d make a great poem.)

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NO. Did a teenager write this? I swear a 14 year old virgin wrote this. No, no, no. If you are being ignored and crying because of it, you are in a BAAAAD relationship. If you are longing for someone who loves another boy (or girl), that’s so dysfunctional at so many levels, omg. NO.

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NO. Jake Gyllenhaal, you should find the person who created this and demand they replace your picture with Donald Trump’s instead because that’s about how much substance is in it. This is going to be the longest NO of this post. Let’s go item-by-item:

  1. I’M 5’10 (or 5’9 or 5’8, depending on my water retention, the day, and whoever’s doing the measuring at the doctor’s office). I don’t necessarily need a man my height or taller. Do I PREFER a man my height or taller? Yes. Would I fall in love with a man shorter than me? Yes, if he was right for me. This is totally shallow and dumb. (Oh, but wait! THERE’S MORE.)
  2. If this is what makes the perfect person for you, you are going to be single. FOR. EVER.
  3. 80 kg translates to 176.37 lbs, fellow metrically incompetent Americans. Again, if the first three of your “Mr./Ms. Right” requirements are height, looks, and weight, you are going to be single. FOR. EVER.
  4. sigh. Well, here’s the thing: I promise $65,000 doesn’t get you a whole lot these days. Clearly, someone who doesn’t work a full-time job wrote this.
  5. Really?? Really. Surely this person is joking with everyone. This is a cry for Jake Gyllenhaal to notice him/her. Even though they are only 14 and going to be single. FOR. EVER.
  6. Yup, they’re jonesing for Gyllenhaal. I bet they put this on Twitter and desperately tried to get him to notice them.
  7. Quite frankly, I like men with a bigger build, because they make me feel safer. Medium’s okay if you’re really serious about only dating dudes who are 80 kg…and staying single. FOR. EVER.
  8. College degrees are good. White collar employers definitely like them, but I was married to a man who never got a degree of any kind and he’s only ever worked professional jobs. Owned his own businesses, worked for Fortune 500 Companies. Contract negotiator, complete professional. There are ways. And college, quite frankly, isn’t for everyone. Also: have you ever LOOKED at how much plumbers can earn?? Please.
  9.  LOL. Good luck with that. (Unless you’re 14, and then well…hopefully no, they’ve never been married.)
  10. LOL. Good luck with that. (Unless you’re 14, and then well…hopefully they don’t have children.) (As a single mother, I kinda want a guy with a kid or two because then instant sibling for Miss M who’s desperate to have them but I don’t have to do any more child bearing. But I’m perfectly fine with a guy with no kids who likes them, because well…it’s sort of a package deal. And the fact I even have to talk about this…holy god.)
  11. Single. FOR. EVER.
  12. Nope, wrong. Men with beards are better.
  13. But…but…what if it’s a BLACK mercedes??? Well, there goes THAT storybook romance.
  14. This is the smartest thing on this list.
  15. This is the second smartest thing on this list. This list needed to begin with numbers 14 and 15.
  16. L! O! L! (I sense the person who wrote this also does those side hugs and doesn’t kiss until after the proposal. Ew.)
  17. Holy…WHAT?!?!? Does the list writer even KNOW what the monthly mortgage on a $655,000 home even IS??? I just. I can’t even.
  18. Okay, I’m down with this one. Smoking’s bad for you. BAAAADDDD. Don’t do it, kids.
  19. I mean, they can’t even like it just a LITTLE bit? Like, it’s FOOTBALL. I don’t understand it, but on Saturdays and Sundays you can go sit in a sports bar and watch interesting people get very drunk and these drunk people will cause you to jump 10 feet in the air whenever they scream strange things at large wall screens because a man in a helmet with large shoulder pads got tackled by 20 other men in helmets and large shoulder pads after running a mere 2 feet. Football is confusing, but loudly fascinating. And there’s beer.
  20. What kind of pets? I’m kind of shocked the list writer wasn’t more specific about this, like she was with the physical build, car color, and real estate value.

Seriously, I’m all for writing very detailed requests to the Universe for various things and people I wish to invite into my life. But if you’re coming up with lists like THIS? You have got a loooonnnggg way to go, precious li’l pumpkin pie. Such a very long way. (Sad ending spoiler: by the time this list writer is grown up enough for a real relationship, Jake Gyllenhaal will be thrice divorced with eight kids, and remarried to a girl who loves him for how much he makes her laugh, the fact he only has eyes for her, and because they both enjoy long rides to their local sports bar in his green Prius.)

So let’s look at a YES thing I’ve found on the World Wide Web (you, surprisingly, do have these, Internet):

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That’s what you want, Internet: a person who is entrenched in his/her own life. The fact you get to be in it, too, is a compliment. Because hopefully you’re entrenched in your own life, yet happen to want that other person in yours, which is also a compliment. Compliment each other. Like each other. Don’t worry about hair, because look at Donald Trump. And don’t focus on incomes because those fluctuate and if Donald Trump becomes president, we’re all headed straight to World War III, food rations, and another Great Depression. With enslaved Mexicans building their own Keep Out wall like the Great Pyramids and the 15th, 19th, and 26th amendments all repealed. And don’t worry about looks either, because notice who’s married Donald Trump in spite of the fact his story changes every 5 seconds and he’s got a small penis (hands! I meant hands!). (I’m joking. Please DON’T look for a Donald Trump, Internet. I’m pretty sure he totally agrees with all of Edgar Watson Howe’s worst misogynisms.)

Focus on if the person is nice and real and is who/what they say they are. And do you feel a genuine physical attraction to him or her? Focus on how you FEEL when you’re with them, and when they’re gone – do you miss them? do you think about them? do you WANT to see them again and wish you could see them more? are you fascinated by them? And if they’re returning all of this to you, I think you’ve got a real possibility if you’re willing to be honest and do some work (but DON’T chase them, don’t cry over them if they don’t chase you back, and DON’T give them sympathy because Helen up there totally lied; sympathy ain’t going to get you nuthin’ from someone with different priorities…move along, continue crafting your own, far more awesome Totem Pole of Priorities).

This is all I have learned (thus far) of love and friendship and relationships, grasshoppers. Go forth, and try not to create dumb Mr./Ms. Right lists or quotes that will be made fun of on a technology not yet invented in the next century.

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