still not okay. still ululating in waves of pain deep down.

i am a ball of emotional ick. handle with care.

if you speak to me, if you and i hang out, i sound great. i look great…though, yesterday, i didn’t realize my brother had been watching me quietly for awhile until he said, “are you okay? you don’t look okay.” and then i started to cry, because i was/am not okay. and then he asked how he could fix it, and i said he couldn’t. and he insisted he could, that even though he can’t fix anything in a house, he’s really good at fixing people. and i said, “no, you can’t fix this.” and then i thought: oh, but aren’t we definitely family; such codependents. always trying to fix people.

once, long ago, a boyfriend – after spending a lot of time with me and a couple of my really self-destructive friends  – said, “amy, you attract all the lost and wounded, bleeding lambs to you, don’t you?” because he was lost and wounded too, which is why he was with me. and because this is true – i do. if you are someone who needs to be loved, please come find me. i will love you. if you are someone who’s been hurt and wounded and needs intensive surgery, please come find me. i will get out my first aid kit and see if we can just patch you up without those messy surgical instruments and scar-leaving sutures.

but this is exhausting. i think that’s why i’m being irrational and erratic these days. i am so so tired. i am tired of being little bo peep. i need someone to love me and try to patch up my gaping wounds with some neosporin and band-aids. i would like to be held, for a very very very long time, by someone who gets me and will just let me lay my tired head on his chest. who will just stroke my hair gently and shush me, telling me everything will be okay. someone who will not tell me what’s wrong with me, who won’t list out all the myriad of ways i have screwed myself over and up. just please let me lay my head on your chest for awhile and stroke my hair and tell me it’s all good.

i feel like i have two roads i can choose to walk down right now, and there are good things and bad things about each one. this one road will bring me peace and calmness…but a lot of hard work and possibly resentment later on. this other road will bring me great adventures…but a lot of dark nights of the soul and possibly a lot of battles with impossible dragons.

i probably need to make a t-chart. positives and negatives. i need to pick one. i am horrible at decisions. i find i rarely make right ones, and even when i do i still yearn to find out what would have happened had i made the other decision. it’s a strange way to live. but i’ve been doing it my whole life, and i’m not sure i will ever find a way to be different. maybe when i am 90 and living in a nursing home, having all my decisions made for me. that thought feels really nice, actually. i wonder if i can find a nursing home that would take on a 44 year old.

okay. i’m done. i said i’d be gone for awhile, but obviously i changed my mind. all the time, back and forth, baaaack and forth. this is how i do. but i’m done for a bit. i’m going back to what i was doing (which is sobbing on my living room floor at 1:00 AM and sitting on sofas or pool chairs, certain i am not going to make it to the next hour because the things churning inside of me are going to eat me alive) (it helped yesterday, going to my brother’s house – being with people who know me and love me best is where i find my calm…but they also gave me a lot to think about, because now i have these two roads to choose from).

and my brother didn’t fix a thing. love you, but you were unsuccessful at fixing me. (and was that an earring i saw in your ear yesterday? why do i think i saw a gold earring in your ear? now my brain is literally dissolving, i can feel it.)