guns and guns and guns oh my.

If your gun closet looks like this, you are NOT Rambo. You clearly want to fight in a gang war or you missed your last psychiatric session.

Can we talk about guns for about 5 minutes or however long it takes me to write this and you to read it and miscomprehend it and start screaming at me and/or telling me how me and all the other commie pinkos are destroying America?

I’m annoyed with Congress, per usual. I think I just want them to do something unpredictable for once. This meme:


Not a bad idea, actually. I’m all for transparency when it comes to people in power. Cannot tell you how tired I am of how we do government business in this country. Big corporations aren’t; it’s totally working for them. But small businesses and teachers/kids and all the rest of us just trying to have a life? It’s so broken I don’t think they even make that much super glue in the world to fix it. Some days after I catch up on the news I just think man, we just need to start the hell over. (But not with a Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton leading the brigade, I mean like with somebody’s no-nonsense super smart grandma who won’t put up with your immature, egotistical bullcrap. Somebody like that. I know they’re out there, somewhere, waiting to lead us through the desert.)

Sooo, guns. I have a lot of grey feels when it comes to guns in America. Because confession: Slowly, over many years navigating the uber-liberal terrain, I have evolved to realize I am PRO-Second Amendment. (Here’s where all my socialist friends get all huffy and go, “Why, I NEVER!”) When it comes to the 2nd Amendment in the Bill of Rights, I am the most conservative namby pamby liberal commie socialist you will ever meet. First of all, I grew up with guns. I didn’t touch them, I didn’t have any interest in learning to use them, but they were A Thing in my childhood because my dad loved them and was a bonafide hunter of Bambis. (Deer are the rats of Pennsylvania’s Pocono Mountains.) I get you, gun nuts: guns are sexy, and they keep you safe. I further confess I have often thought of going to a gun range and learning how to shoot one, because I want to wear those hot glasses and be all bitch and badass and stuff. Seriously. I get you, gun nuts. I don’t agree with your insanely blind allegiance to the NRA and ridiculous regurgitating of their skewed, depraved propaganda, but I do understand you. On a basic, personal level.

In addition, I believe the Second Amendment is kinda sorta archaic, yet also pretty brilliant at the same time – did you all know the first thing Hitler did in Germany when he came into power was to take away all the people’s guns? Can’t fight back against a psychotic, maniacal despot if you don’t have any weapons. And we aren’t very far off from experiencing a maniacal despot in power in this country – I submit 2016’s presidential candidate choices as hard evidence. Which is why I have a friend who’s a certified gun nut and an NRA enthusiast, and as soon as the Apocalypse starts I will totally and without a single bit of irony be moving to south Georgia so he can protect me and my most beloved. America was built on guns – Pilgrims learning to hunt deer, Daniel Day-Lewis as Hawkeye rescuing Madeleine Stowe using guns, Annie Oakley out West proving women have penises too. America with no guns is like America with no apple pie.

So I’m okay with people owning guns here.  Please comprehend NRA gun nuts:  I‘m not in favor of taking away your guns. There are namby pamby liberals out there who want to, and I think they’re as nutty as all you gun nuts. They’re at the same level of people who say “Send all the illegals back to Mexico!” (First, they all aren’t from Mexico, and second, can you say mass chaos and ensuing human rights violations?) I deeply WANT people to have guns if that’s what they want. I pray they use them carefully and responsibly and keep them out of their children’s reach while also establishing a healthy fear and respect for them they way my dad did with us and also don’t end up killing their neighbors over any arguments about whose 2 inches of yard that is (true story: when I was 7 and we lived in Muskogee, Oklahoma, our backyard neighbors fought about that and one of them shot and killed the other one about it). I want you guys to enjoy your 2nd Amendment, because you guys are going to be exactly who I run to during the Apocalypse and/or if/when Donald Trump becomes president and he declares a holocaust on the Muslims and the feminists (me). And also I support having a military full of people who know how to use guns properly – I like the American culture, in spite of its Kardashianism, because I’m used to how we do things here. I’m all for the 2nd amendment.

But I really, really, really want mass shootings to stop, you guys. And the United States Congress had the opportunity to create some safety options for Americans this past week, and they just did what I kinda knew they’d do: they voted their party lines. Some of them, like my senator Johnny Isakson, I kind of just rolled my eyes – knew he’d do that, doesn’t listen to anyone who’s not handing him a stack of Ben Franklins. But John McCain? A decorated military veteran and former POW who was tortured and very adamantly and bravely has stood up to those in power who advocate torture? Who I don’t see eye-to-eye with politically on many things but still admire him for his bravery and his service even if he did sell out in 2008 and chose loopy and ass crazy Sarah Palin as a running mate and very rightly paid the price for doing that? John McCain voted against the measures. And then you find out the NRA has paid him over $7 million. Gah. Come on, American politicians. You’re supposed to be people who wanted to be servant leaders. You can do so much better than that.

Is it too unreasonable to ask that we have stricter background checks? Is it just ludicrous of me, as a private American citizen who’d like to go to the mall and not be worried about being riddled with bullets by someone who’s decided to let their psychopath fly free that day, to request a bit of a wait time so a thorough psychological analysis can be done? Obviously, we need to also address mental healthcare (the lack thereof and a dysfunctional attitude about it) in this country, which is a whole ‘nother Oprah show. And obviously, there will be unidentifed-at-the-time-of-purchase psychotic people who will slip through the cracks and get guns and go on public shooting sprees. No system is perfect. None of us are perfect. But I’d really really love to see, oh I don’t know, about 100 fewer mass shootings in one year than the 136 America has already seen in the six months since 2016 started.

I think we also need to address the black market situation. Criminals will go around the background checks and get their guns the way criminals like to do all their criminal criminalling: criminally. I mean, there’s your fight, Donald Trump and people who like to declare war on everything: stop dicking around about walls and who’s smoking marijuana and go get illegal weapons off the streets. I think there should be a system to register and track all guns. If you’re selling guns, it should be like selling cars – VINs and all that. We should, as a citizenry, know where all the guns are.

And why do you need 200 guns in your house? Is the Viet Cong coming for you? Are you your own country and Hamas-trained ninjas are constantly out to destroy you? My brother has all my dad’s guns now so I’m not exactly sure how many he owned, but seriously there weren’t more than 20 and that always felt like a lot to me. My dad had about 2-3 handguns, and an assortment of maybe 6-10 rifles. All for hunting and home protection. My dad was a former Vietnam Army veteran, raised by a former World War 2 Navy veteran, taught from an early age how to handle/clean/use a gun and to respect them. He owned guns for protection and hunting, which is what the NRA insists they’re for, too. Then why do people need to have so many in their homes? And why do regular, non-military citizens need guns that kill in mass quantities? Is it so they can keep deer populations down faster and/or feed small cities of people?

And train people who have guns. If you have a gun, whether it’s an antique shotgun like my dad was obsessed with or a semi-automatic rifle so you can feel oh-so-very Rambo every time you finger it, I don’t think it’s unfair or unreasonable to ask that you have a license to own these. We ask that drivers prove they know how to drive before we give them the keys to the roads; is it weird to want people who can shoot and kill things to prove they know what they’re doing, too? That’s all I really want. I just want common sense gun laws. We use common sense when it comes to driving cars, age of consent, who gets to be a lawyer/doctor/teacher, etc and so forth. But we can’t license and keep track of who has guns?

I don’t know. There are no perfect answers, I just know it’s getting stupid. I want my fellow Americans to be able to hunt for deer/rabbit/squirrel/rats/whatever gross thing they’re going to feed to their families, and to protect themselves from crazy mass shooters, from robbers who want their TVs, from invading foreign armies constantly trying to colonize after we JUST wriggled our way out of the King’s control, and from Donald Trump should he become President in November. I want this for my fellow Americans, and also to know who to seek shelter with if Donald Trump does start rounding up feminists and re-locating us in 2018 or whenever.

But mass shootings?? I mean, lands. It’s getting shaky out there, y’all. Do you guys not acknowledge it’s time to address it? Because Congress seems to be pretty much bought and paid for, and those kinds of people are clearly useless. I just want America to be strong and not stupid.


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