living out loud

hissy fit of humanity: an insane rant.

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I threw an I’M SO EXHAUSTED BY OTHER HUMAN BEINGS hissy fit on Facebook this afternoon. It’s why you’re getting two blogs in one day. I broke my cardinal rule of No Facebook Spewage, flounced off, and just deleted all my social media apps from my phone, because that’s pretty much where I check them the most. I threw a hissy fit against humanity because I’m exhausted by other people. Not one person specifically – this is not about you, or you, or YOU reading. If I must be specific, I will tell you: it’s the news. I’m so freaking tired of the news. What. Is. Wrong. With us.

And I’m so over this ____ Lives Matter shit, I can’t even tell you. The fact we’re even having to say ANY Lives Matter should tell you exactly what we’re all starting to turn into. Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, Hispanic Lives Matter, Immigrant Lives Matter, Jewish Lives Matter, Muslim Lives Matter, Christian Lives Matter, Buddhist Lives Matter, Hindu Lives Matter, Taoist Lives Matter, Voodoo Lives Matter, Children’s Lives Matter, Women’s Lives Matter, Deer Hunters’ Lives Matter, Angry White Male Lives Matter, 50 Year Old Virgin Lives Matter, Gay Rights for all, Freedom of Speech, Equal Rights, Make love to your friggin’ guns, streak naked across the Interstates. I don’t care. Everybody goddamn matters. Get. Over. Yourselves. BE HUMAN. Stop this idiotic nonsense that’s de-classing us on a bizarre level and TALK, dammit. Stop screaming at each other. Stop calling each other names. Stop throwing the words “terrorists” and “fascists” around like they’re cheap pieces of parade candy. Stop talking like Donald Trump tweets. Stop lying to yourself and insisting Donald Trump makes sense – he’s an opportunistic, dangerous little narcissist of a windbag who’s either in a giant conspiracy to help Hillary Clinton become president or he’s actually going to win and Armageddon will arrive…either way, we are all screwed. And I know some of you are clapping your hands with such great delight about the Apocalypse, because YAY REVELATIONS!!! Stop wishing for death, you insane freaks, what is WRONG with you??? I don’t even care how many of you I offend or whose feelings I hurt when I say: if you believe in a God that would willfully WANT the destruction of the very beings He supposedly created in love, then that’s a God I refuse to pray to OR get to know OR even recognize as legit. The God I often beg for help and peace from is impossibly expansive, not on anybody in particular’s side of things, and He/She/It is nothing BUT Love. You take your destructive war-like God over there and play Go Fish or something.

Stop twisting everything so it fits your agenda. Stop bullying each other and harassing people because they don’t agree with you or won’t do what you want. Stop proselytizing and slamming your fucking ideologies down everybody else’s throat. That’s a control freak/personality disorder thing, and I will not have it. Do you hear me? I will NOT have it. And if you’re going to do it, if you’re going to insist on participating in it, then you get away from me – go stand over there far far away from me. Because you are draining me. I just got back from a really fun 3 day vacation during which I tried to not be on social media a whole lot, and now I’m back less than 24 hours and I’m already emotionally drained by things in my newsfeeds, my timelines, etc and etc. Internet, you aren’t just harshing my mellow, you are nuking it to all hell. You are peeing all over my parade with highly concentrated acid. I’ve already had to come to terms with the fact I am forever changed now because of an emotionally immature man’s clingy demands and horrific behavior that continues to mess with my head and my emotions and has hurt me in ways from which I’m not sure I’ll ever recover – I will never get that girl back and I’m so so angry about that, every single day. Do you understand? I am so so angry about this, every single day, and I am frightened, every time I get on social media, Twitter in particular, of running across or having to interact with another one.

I love people, but I no longer trust them like I once did and I resent it. I believe in the inherent goodness of people and that most people are normal and sane and yet I’m guarded now with strangers and I resent it. I am trying to plow through. I am trying to find my peace, to be happy. I am trying not to overthink or be too sensitive or be hurt by other people’s little moments of thoughtless behaviors because I know everybody’s got a lot on their plates. Every single day I’m trying to do what Charlie Chaplin said to do and smile though my heart is breaking. I’m trying to hold onto my gentleness and not act the way or talk the way I’m writing right now. I do NOT want to give up on love. Can I get a freaking break already so I can focus on that please?? STOP. Cluttering up. My. Timelines. With your. Dysfunctions.

I am sick of racism. I am sick to effing death of hate. I cannot take one more angry sentence, one more angry word. I am tired of The Republican Party and its tone deaf whiteness. I am tired of the Democratic Party and its tone deafness period. I am tired of both Parties’ hypocrisy. I am tired of having to talk to my biracial daughter in 2016 about why peach skin vs brown skin still bothers some people. She doesn’t care. Her friends don’t care. She has white friends and brown friends and friends with 2 moms or 2 dads and none of those people care. But my kid and her friends talk about it like they care because the effing adults around them tell them it still matters.

I am tired of religions fighting. I am tired of political parties and politicians pandering to big corporations and people with a lot of money. I am tired of our news media giving time and attention and the floor to people who are clearly mentally ill with an absurd variety of obvious personality disorders. I am tired of these mentally ill people rabidly foaming at the mouth, working up the fearful masses worried about whether or not they’ll still be able to afford 500 cable channels and a gourmet kitchen after they retire. I am tired of snaky, self-serving people getting into power and creating a class chasm that is going to plunge us all into another feudal system. I am tired of these lame ass Pied Pipers in charge leading the angriest and most fearful of us away from our true selves.

And I find they all seem to congregate on the freaking Internet. All lumped together, in one gigantic planet-sized Mall of Insanity, with shops hawking every single dysfunctional issue ever invented since the dawn of time.

I sat on Twitter yesterday (and this is probably what led up to the hissy fit, the source and cause of it) and sifted through tweet after tweet after tweet of stupid joke after stupid joke after stupid joke about Melania’s plagiarized speech. As if we are all shocked someone connected to Donald Trump was dishonest and not real. I feel for Melania, actually. She’s a woman who’s had to figure out how to find her place in the world. She’s used her looks and her body to do this, which is kind of just how it is for a lot of women because that’s kind of how men have set it up for hundreds of generations. And now the world (specifically the American media) is having its field day with her. Because she’s a gold digger who asked for it by marrying a crazy man. Well, la tee dah, as my writer friend Kat Magendie would say. Go try being a woman for a day in Donald Trump’s world – you’ll get what happened.

I sat on Leslie Jones’  (Ghostbusters, 2016) Twitter page and sifted through the absolute bullshit she had to deal with last night. Are you effing kidding me, other beings (I refuse to call you humans)??? People who are so pathetic and cowardly they can’t even troll someone on their own; they have to emotionally gang rape one person. That’s not power; that’s weakness. I don’t know very much about Gamer Gate, but  I’ve heard enough about it to know anyone who actively buys into that and/or participates is not anyone I want to get to know. It looks like half of the trolls she dealt with were from that and the other half were just pathetic white males who have no concept of history and I deeply suspect have David Duke posters all over their bedrooms and are Trump wannabes. And then there were the jackasses who kept coming in and going, “Stop responding to them! Stop feeding the trolls! You’re part of the problem now too!” Go to hell, people like that. If that woman wanted to sit and answer every single racist/sexist troll who came at her that night, that was HER Twitter page, HER choice. Take your judge-y opinions back to your own dank and dark social media pages and be mewly or whatever your kind does on those far away from her. My opinion means nothing, your opinions mean nothing, they are just words. Words words words. Shut up, stop bitching on social media, and go DO something. Read a book, write a letter to the editor, help a poor person register to vote, pay for a poor kid’s school supplies because teachers already do and the system won’t, pick up trash at a park, get a J.O.B. you vile, vile excuses of homo sapiens. Creatures that are wasting time and precious natural resources and oxygen here so they can spread their diseased hate and judgments.  The fact I’m raising a child who will one day go out into the world and have to deal with these classless, insane dickheads upsets me in ways I can’t even describe today. They came at a woman who only offers the world entertainment and comedy relief and stories – whether you think they’re good stories or not  – with thoroughly disgusting accusations, utterly inhumane name calling, and incredibly frightening pornographic and threatening images. I’ve never seen anything like it – it made what happened to me on the Internet look like a freaking cake walk, and I’m beyond traumatized.

I am so over this endless chatter of human garbage that is absolutely cluttering up this stupid technological piece of crap we are all addicted to and outrageously abusing.

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So I wrote down the words THINK ABOUT IT on my calendar, which is the date I’ll think about trying again; on this date I’ll think: how do I feel today and go from there. Because I get to feel different, day to day. I get to do that. And I get to change my mind, all the time. I get to do that. In the meantime, I don’t care what other people think about me, I really don’t. I don’t care if you think I’m being overly hyperbolic, I don’t care if you think woah! she’s too intense for me, I don’t care if you think I’m a big ol’ drama queen with nothing better to do. I don’t care if you think I’m a hypocrite because I sound all angry (I am angry, but mostly I am very very tired, deep to my soul). I don’t even care if you think I’m such a sweet girl, such a lovely girl, you wish I wouldn’t think or feel so much. I don’t care if you think I’m knee jerk reacting, over reacting, or reacting the wrong way. I. Don’t. Care. Those are your opinions, your feelings, YOU own them. I got my own messed up crap to sort through and clean up and I’m tired of caring what other people think, how other people feel. I. Am. Exhausted. I have hit rock bottom in terms of giving shits, and there is nowhere else to go. I don’t care if that offends you or scares you off or makes you never want to interact or speak to me again. I cannot deal with one more person’s opinion about me, Hillary Clinton, crazy guys with orange skin, or who’s going to win the World Series. Not today.

No more social media for this little amateur blogger for awhile, and while I work that out, I’ll write here about whatever the hell I want to and you can read or don’t read, comment or don’t comment, like it or hate it, think I’m too angry or negative, admire me or love me, think I’m terrifyingly insane and part of the problem…I mean it: think what you want, do what you want. I have had an F-ing YEAR and I’m done trying to smooth it over, reason it out, work through it, be okay, find peace, be happy, be loved, give love, etc etc etc etc AAAAAGGGHHHH. Done.

Just don’t be a jackass. NO MORE JACKASSERY. I am now and forever a jackass-free zone. Sweet and lovely and nice and sugar…but no longer willing to subject myself to anymore jackassery or try to pretend like everything’s fine and going to be fine when I don’t really think it ever will be, not for a very very very long time. And so I will say what I want and I will do what I want because of all the inanity in the world, at least I know MINE is authentic and from way down deep in me where remnants of who/what I was before THIS still hang out. I am good person, I try to do the right things, I give love with No Strings Attached do you hear me? NO STRINGS ATTACHED. All I ask of the world is please: no more jackassery. Be real. Be kind. Be honest. And stop dumping your negative dysfunctions all over the place, I have no more room in me for them and this planet is choking on itself.

 

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