It could be that it’s because I have to go back to work on Monday, but I’m not in much of a writin’ mood these days. Though, I did finish a short story I’m cleaning up and that’s good. And I’m not in the angsty spot I was at this time last year. For example, my classroom is a disaster–if I were classroom teaching, I’d be in such frantic freakout mode right now oh my god you guys, your eyes and brains would explode reading about it. This year, I’m a support person, so there’s like eleventy hundred billion less tons for me to think and/or worry about. This is a GOOD thing.
I know there are people out there going through way worse than I am. I have my health. My daughter is healthy. I’ve got a job and my bills are paid and there is food in my refrigerator. Bombs aren’t landing around me, I don’t have any abusive people in my life, I have freedom of speech and expression, a working car, and I’m not related to Donald Trump. I know I am going to be okay because I know all these things, and I have good friends and family who love me. I really feel like I should be beating up on myself right now for having all these wonderful things and not being content. But then that would be beating up on myself, and I do that enough already. So I’m not going to beat up on myself for not beating up on myself, and I’m just going to say: it doesn’t make my struggle any easier, though. I’m in a bad, hard head space right now.
Which is why I started the 30 Day Writing Challenge, to give myself (and whoever reads this drivel) a break from it. But I have to go back to work, I’m struggling with where to go and what to do next from the point I’m at right now, and I need a hiatus. I took a look at the next few things I’m supposed to write about and I felt pretty unenthusiastic about any of them. I don’t care. Do you care? I don’t care.
So I’m going to take break for the rest of the weekend–today and tomorrow and do some hard thinking. I may feel better once I go back to school and am out and about with other human beings who share a common goal and I’ve sweated a lot from unpacking/setting up my new classroom and been overwhelmed by too much information all at once in meetings.
There are really, really good things in my life that are keeping me okay, in spite of what I may read like when I write here: I have really good friends I love dearly, my sweet girl, and all of the things I mentioned in the first paragraph. I am okay. I’m just over a lot of stuff right now (brooding and being sad are two of them) and I need a break. And I have a really hard decision to make about a decision I thought I already made. And I’m sad about a couple of other things. But I’m grateful for you if you’re in my life in whatever capacity, and please stop posting pictures of yourselves kissing your spouses on the beach on Facebook in that 7 Day I Love My Spouse challenge. Just do me a solid and keep it to cute selfies at the mall. Okay? (I’m joking–I’m happy you’re happy, and one day I bet I’ll get to post lots of retch-inducing crap like that, too.)
(Oh, AND! Trump Mom update: my mom and I (and my stepfather, who also loves Trump, gah) had some really intense but unproductive conversations yesterday about Donald vs. Hillary. In the end, we agreed that God is love and just wants us all to get along. I seriously feel really good about Election Tuesday in November.) (And grateful for family love, even when we have to agree to disagree.)