I’m just going to skip around the list. I don’t feel like doing Day 11’s writing assignment. So here’s Day 16 half an hour before Day 16 even gets here: Something I miss.
I’m actually going to change it to some things I miss. And furthermore, I’m not going to advertise this blog post at all. Because the last blog post I had 10 hits, and 3 were from me. So I’m curious to see, of all the people in my life who know I’m here, of all the people I’ve met and interacted with online over the last year, of all the people I love deeply and/or have grown to love deeply over the last year…who really gives a fucking shit. Who checks on me the way I check on them. I’m going to go completely silent on social media and see who notices. I’m done promoting this blog on Twitter–nobody’s reading it. And I’m done promoting it on Facebook–people are bored with it. I am quite boring actually. Because I keep talking about the same stupid shit, over and over.
But work’s going great now. So there’s that. (If work were not going great, I promise I’d sell every single piece of shit I own and I’d go back to C. I would go back and I’d never talk to a single person I’ve made friends with since 2015. Not a single one.)
At any rate. Back to the challenge. Here is exactly what I miss, right now:
I miss my dad.
I miss my old life.
The problem with both of the things I miss is that I can never have them back again. My dad because he’s no longer accessible on the account he died, and my old life because I ripped it apart and peed all over it. I walked away from a relationship with ONE very serious issue (control) but other than that, things were probably workable. And now my beloved house has silver/grey walls and artwork I’d never put up in it. And I hate the furniture he picked out. C’s taste in furniture is hideous. There, I said it out loud. I miss my old colors, my comfy red sofa, my back porch where I could sit and drink coffee and not look out at a parking lot of cars.
I miss the good parts of what C and I had. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling safe and trusting and OKAY goddammit.
I have friendships that look nothing today like what they looked like at this time last year. I miss those. I miss feeling heard. I miss feeling truly cared about. I miss someone making time for me (I make time for people I love lots…holy crap, I make time for people I just LIKE lots…and I notice when they stop making time for me. You stop, I stop. That’s how I roll. And when I notice *I* have to be the one to make all the contact with you, I stop doing that, too.)
But mostly? I miss who I was and I miss feeling okay.
I think I’m throwing in the towel. I got no fight in me (today). Probably not for the rest of the week. Right now, today, I would like to get in my car and start driving. Start driving and never ever come back. This morning, I was doing really well. Really, really well. I wrote an upbeat blog entry. I cleaned my kitchen. I made a menu/grocery list, I had a healthy eating plan. My outlook was GREAT. I took M to get her hair done.
Then I saw two things on social media and the brooding started. And by 4 PM when we walked into the supermarket to start shopping, I looked at M and said, “I can’t do this right now. I can’t grocery shop. If I have to grocery shop, I will mentally not survive it. I need to go home.” And so we got her a pack of gum and I went home and crawled in bed til about 6 PM. Then I took her to Chili’s for dinner, after I’d vowed no eating out for this month so I can save money. I will have no money saved and no room on my credit card for her birthday in October or Christmas in general. If we keep eating out. If I can’t find the will to grocery shop.
(I wish I had money to go to a counselor to ask why I’m like this and how to repair me. But then, maybe I don’t really want to be repaired.)