disjointed blessings.

i couldn’t find an image to go with this post, so here’s a blessing i got a photo of in june: this was the real sky, in georgia, at sunset. gone with the wind sky, i call it. summertime is a blessing (because extra sunlight and warmth.)

I feel like it’s been two weeks since I’ve written something here but I see it’s only been 4 days. This is what happens when a writer doesn’t write…something, anything. I have done zero writing over the last four days–not even in my offline journal. Zero. Writing. And when that happens, Time gets disjointed. Bad things can happen (nothing bad has happened over the last four days…just I’ve eaten too much chocolate and been super sweaty).

Other happenings (besides sweat and chocolate) that are completely disjointed and unrelated to the focus of this blog entry: I keep debating about whether or not to go to Dragon Con. I think I want to go. I’m disjointedly talking about it here, right now, because I’m looking at calendars again now that I’m back at work and realized yesterday if I’m going, it’s in 3 weeks and I need to buy a ticket soon. And also I’d rather stay in a hotel overnight than drive back to the suburbs, but I want to be in a hotel near all the stuff and that’s probably going to be dicey. Also, one of my favorite actors is supposed to be there (hello, Jason Isaacs), but I think I’ve decided I’m going to keep him a hero in my heart and not meet him. Or rather, no offense to him, but I don’t want to pay for an autograph to meet him. I’d rather just casually run into him and have a sweet conversation, make a memory. No selfies, though, unless he wants to show patience with me so we can control the lighting and the angle. (Also and full confession: I have to really be choosy what I spend money on these days; I gotta eat and pay rent. I simply don’t have money to throw at actors, yo.) So if I do go, I think I’ll just be there for the cosplayers and the fun. In fact, I think I might make that my official Life Motto: Just here for the cosplayers and the fun.

Today’s 30 Day Writing Challenge (that I randomly picked, since I’m no longer going in order) is: write about 5 blessings. I am often up and down, angry and indignant, sad and frustrated. But I DO have blessings. Here are five:

1- Miss M (of course). Have I told you Miss M was a happy accident? I actually didn’t realize I was pregnant until almost week 12, when I began to have a lot of headaches, was exhausted beyond all normal human exhaustion levels, and craved dairy like nobody’s business (seriously, for real–if I could have bought a cow and just tethered her in my backyard and drunk straight from the teat, believe me I would have…but my Homeowners’ Association had to be all douche-y about it). It wasn’t until a doctor showed me her beating heart on an ultrasound I went: oh wow, there’s something IN there. It was such a holy experience, being pregnant, because you know how God never talks to anyone, unless they’re insane and/or a member of the religious far right? That’s what being pregnant was like–every day, there’s something inside you you can’t see, but it’s in there and it’s a part of you. And even after it starts banging on your insides with its feet and elbows, it’s still amazing, because now it’s totally got the potential to turn into that thing in Alien. Just crazy, the act of growing a human inside a human. And now? I’ve got a girl who loves makeup, changes outfits (aka costumes) 10 times a day, and sings the chorus lines to songs until my brain feels like it’s going to implode. In other words: blessed.

2-My job. Lands, Internet. If you’ve been reading my drippy schtick for awhile, that’s got to floor you, just a little bit, to read that come flying out of my fingertips. Right? I so like my job. I have literally not been able to say that for the last 4 years. I’ve been desperately unhappy because classroom teaching is just not a good fit (for me).

I’m so excited and happy about my new/old job, I sat down today and came up with some ideas to present teachers I’ll be working with this year for how I can help them. I’m mostly push-in, which means I go into a classroom for 45 minutes and work either with a small group of English learners or I support the teacher in whatever she/he’s doing. If an ESOL teacher had come to me as a classroom teacher and wanted me to tell them what I wanted them to do, I’d probably have just thrown a bunch of laminating to cut out and copies to be made at them. So I thought up some ideas for how to help the teachers they gave me this year. An support idea map. Super excited about getting started with teaching ESOL. I’m nervous about working with older kids, because my expertise area has always been little ones. But super excited about learning how older kids’ brains work. (So I can outsmart them and be ready for Miss M’s trickery when she gets to that age.)

At any rate, I feel blessed that I’m back where my teaching heart is. If I must stay in public education til I retire, this is where I want to be, and I’m back to doing what I always wanted to do in teaching…if I can’t sell a book/movie, make a billion dollars, and go live on a beach in a little cottage. So, until then: blessed. And I can check off one less stress on my stressed out Plate of Things. And that’s a blessing, too.

3-Love. I have a lot of love in my heart and my life. At times, on a really good day, I know I can potentially love almost every single person on the planet. Love should be unconditional and free, with zero expectations. I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life–from family and friends. These are patient people, people who care about me in ways that I haven’t always felt very deserving of over the last year, with my ups and downs and weird/dark moods. It’s been a really rough and bumpy year, and I’ll be honest with whoever is reading this: I’m really not out of the woods yet; it is still very dark and scary where I am. Yet I am surrounded by love and light and I often see them on the edges of my forest, and the warmth and pull of that love and light have often kept me, in the worst moments, from absolutely collapsing and giving up. I have friends I can get in touch with and go: can I call you and talk about this, this, or this thing that’s worrying/bothering/upsetting/infuriating/making me cry? And they will say: Yes. They will not say: no, not right now. They just say: Yes. And then they show up. And that’s really important, to have people like that in your support system. (It’s also really important to be that person in someone else’s support system.) We are connected, y’all. I’ve said this for forever–this is a hard rock to live on. We have to help each other.

4-I’m healthy. I don’t know what else to say beyond that. I’ve watched friends this year say good-bye to people they love, or be terrified they’ll have to, and if you are able-bodied and well…you are blessed. You just are. If no one’s lobbing grenades at you and  you are not facing your own mortality and you are able to take care of yourself physically and mentally and are not suffering from a severe mental illness that needs anti-psychotic drugs AND you aren’t related or closely aligned to Donald Trump? You are blessed. Beyond blessed. Like, kissed by Glinda the Good Witch and all the rest of the nicest deities the Universe has to offer blessed.

5-YOU. If you are someone who’s stuck by me, who’s walked/walking me through this b.s. phase of life I’m in, YOU are one of my biggest, bestest blessings. Even if you are someone I don’t regularly talk to (or have talked to at all) but you’ve read this blog with non-nefarious/judge-y/stalker-y reasons, and/or you found me from the blog I abandoned when I went through that crazy crap last year, please know I am always blessed by your presence whether you make it known or not. Thank you, bless you, love and light to you forever and always. Maybe one day we can meet and have a big ole Blessings Party. I will make ridiculously strong margaritas in hedonistic abundance and we will dance and sing and hug and laugh until we weep; it will be a veritable orgy of love and happiness and blessings and friendship. Those are the best kinds of parties anyway.

Alright. I’m done. That’s it. I’m wiped out. Georgia needs to loosen up on the humidity and maybe think about starting school on the first day of Fall. One time, we had a governor who held a Pray for Rain Day at the capitol building in Atlanta. It didn’t work, but maybe we need to put him in charge of weather anyway, just for hopeful, magical thinking. A big cool down would also be a nice blessing right about now.