celebrity crushes (and such).

I changed my mind about Dragon*Con 2016. I’m going. My friend and hair stylist told me to take Uber and that’s what decided it, ultimately. Fresh hair color and sunshine and the Uber suggestion. Take Uber up to where I register for Dragon*Con for the one day badge/pass, take Uber whenever I’m ready to go home. Take Uber, all the way up and all the way back. No parking, no MARTA weirdos, no having to deal with traffic–I just have to deal with a massive amount of humanity. Which I can do. For one day only. (Saturday. If you’re going to be at Dragon*Con on Saturday, Sept. 3? Hey! ME TOO!! Let’s grab lunch. And also let’s try to find a naked, amorous Klingon to eat with or near.)

So I’ve started teaching English as a Second (or Other) Language. It’s interesting. Mostly because I’m going into classrooms and working in the room. I’m in an adjustment period. None of us really know what we’re doing, so I’m having to make my brain work really hard. The problem is my brain is overwhelmed, and when my brain gets overwhelmed it likes to crawl under the bed in my head and refuse to come out. Hisses and spits at me when I try to grab it. I talked to a friend this afternoon (okay, fine I vented) and he suggested I just slow down and take it one day at a time. Which was really lovely, sweet, sage advice. Except Public Education wants everything IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES GO AND DON’T MESS UP!!! So basically what I think I need to do is maybe take up Buddhist meditation and/or find a Channing Tatum doppelganger sugar daddy to pay all my bills. (I’m joking.) (Maybe not the meditation bit.)

I looked over my self-imposed 30 Day Writing Challenge, which I guess is going to turn into a 130 Day Writing Challenge given the speed at which I’m completing the tasks, and I decided to write about my celebrity crushes. Because Dragon*Con. Lots of celebrities will be at Dragon*Con (most of whom I probably will not recognize and/or know since I’m the opposite of a sci-fi nerd).

I’ve got a lot of celebrities I crush on: Neil Degrasse Tyson, Neil Gaiman, Gerard Butler, Clive Owen, Idris Elba, Jason Isaacs, James McAvoy, Daniel Day-Lewis, Colin Firth, Javier Bardem, Benicio del Toro, John Hamm, Ewan McGregor, Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Antonio Banderas, Channing Tatum,  Channing Tatum, and Channing Tatum. And those are just the boy celebrities.

So it would be hard to write about just one or two of them. It’s like when someone asks me the titles of my favorite books–I have so many, I’ve read so many books over my lifetime, it’s literally impossible top just talk about, like, five. On Twitter one day a couple of weeks ago I hashtagged 7 Favorite Books. And then I had to make my own hashtag for Books That’ll Change Your Life. But two times of #BooksThatWillChangeYourLife. And then I had to stop because I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone. There are a lot of books in the world, a megatonbuttload of stories humans have told over the eons. It’s hard to pick just a few. Read all the stories. Until you kick the bucket. (So normally I just name favorite writers because that I can contain.)

So instead, can I briefly entertain myself in front of you with that ridiculous F*ck Kill Marry game? Things like this are why America is so special in the world today, really top notch in terms of cultured.

F-Hagrid (mmm, men with beards.) M-the Millionaire Matchmaker woman (well, she’s rich…) K-Squidward (Can.Not.Watch.One.More.Spongebob.Episode.) (This game is funner while drinking, I bet.)

I found a place that just lists out trios of people to choose from, so I picked three of three from there because I like trifectas. They feel holy:

1-Politician edition…Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Hilary Clinton. (I purposefully chose this because you guys obviously know what would happen to Donald if it were up to me)

F-Obama (I once stood about 3 feet from him when he was in Atlanta trying to become the Democratic nominee for President in 2008, and I assure you: very f-able. Our world leader is, quite possibly, the most f-able President we have ever had. Lucky, lucky Michelle.)

M-Bernie Sanders. I love the Bern. The Bern should be running against Donald Trump right now.

M- Hilary. I believe in free love. I totally think Bernie, Hilary, and I could have a hippy, polyamorous union and set this country straight.

K-Donald Trump. Of course.

…oh, wait. Did I play that round wrong? What’s that? Totally messed up the rules? Wait, what? I can’t have two marries? Oh, right! I did say I was leaving Donald out of this. Well, dang me y’all. Sorry. I’ll try to do better this next round:


2-Actor edition…Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Jesse Eisenberg

F-Henry Cavill (Duh, he’s Superman.)

M-Ben Affleck (He’s been engaged to JLo and married to Jennifer Garner. He’s totally domesticated, I can tell. He’d also be one of those douche-y husbands, I sense. But he’s got that cute dimple in his chin, and so okay.)

F-Jesse Eisenberg. There’s an interview floating around the Internet wherein people say he’s a jerk. But I personally felt the sexual heat between him and Romina, the interviewer, in that video. Plus Jesse’s got a lovely, kissable mouth.


…oh, wait. Did I play round two wrong, too?? What, I can’t f*ck two of my three choices? What do you mean I have to kill one? Okay, fine. I’ll pit Ben and Jesse against each other and let them duel over me til one dies. That way I stay squeaky clean and out of jail.

3-Actresses edition: Jennifer Lawrence, Olivia Wilde, Kate Winslet, Rebel Wilson

F-Jennifer Lawrence

F-Olivia Wilde

F-Kate Winslet

F-Rebel Wilson


…oh, wait. What?? That was four people, and I’m supposed to stick to three? And I have to marry one and kill one? I mean. Well. But why can’t I f*ck all of them? I think they’re all beautiful and talented and….well, poop.

This is why I never win at games, I bet.