how to manual, pisces style.

Yes to all except: I don’t have a problem revealing my private life and I’m only romantic if it’s outside the box.

If you know me well, then you know I love love love the following things:

*the paranormal (spoooky ghosts)

*wacky psychology quizzes

*astrology to explain myself


(which of these things is not like the others?)

Today’s 30+ Day Writing Challenge is to write about my zodiac sign and whether or not it fits me. Tonight, I am in love with this challenge. I am in very hard love with it. And no, I don’t care if you think astrology is dumb or not. Or if you think it’s real or quackery. Or if you think pointing fingers at constellations to explain all one’s shortcomings and successes is proof of a mental illness. If you want to know, love, and truly understand me, you will accept the truth: for me, being born under sun in Pisces is as real as the scientific fact the sun is a star, a gigantic ball of fiery gases in outer space, that will one day die and wipe out all life on Earth if Earthlings and Donald Trump don’t do it first.

In other words: oh, I’m a Pisces alright.

So let me tell you a bit about Pisces:

The very first, most important thing I want you to know about us is that we are all the signs of the Zodiac wrapped up in one precious little princess package. Glitter bow on top. On the surface, this makes us sound very multiple personality disordered–Pisces is like a borderline personality disordered box of chocolates: you never know what you’re gonna get. I suppose you could view us that way and back away slowly, verrry slooowly. But then you’d miss out on the ginormous party favors. Right? Don’t forget there are party favors. Especially when our Gemini twins come out. They are total party girls. And if passionate Scorpio gets in there? Lands, you better bring your A-game.

It’s because of our Aries girl.

Other than that, just  know:

Pisces are selfless, compassionate, accepting, adaptable, creative, intuitive water sprites. On the dark side, we’re also indecisive, secretive, vague, weak-willed over-thinkers. We are mutable water signs, two fish ruled by Neptune in the twelfth house of the Zodiac, and we like solitude because we daydream a lot. We love mystery in all its forms, the ridiculous and eccentric, and getting lost for hours in whatever fascinates us, be it something creative or another human being. We dislike being criticized, pedantic know-it-alls, and the mundanely obvious. We love fiercely and are caretakers…but don’t cross us, because once you do we discard you and when we discard something, it is done…it is done.

We crave independence because this is where we find our creative outlets, but we need dominant partners to keep us grounded because when we don’t have one, we fall into self-pitying, lazy, unkempt states that are sad and pathetic to behold. We make sucky bosses, because we prefer to follow directions than give them. But we make excellent friends because when you laugh we laugh; when you cry, we cry. A Pisces will mold herself to her surroundings, and absorb all the feelings and occasionally personality traits of whoever’s in those surroundings. When we are happy, we are very very happy. When we are sad, we are deepest, darkest sad. (“There was a little girl/who had a little curl/In the middle of her forehead./And when she was good/She was very very good./But when she was bad/She was horrid.”–Mother Goose, probably a Pisces.)

well, not ANYTHING. i mean, i’m not interested in doing hard jail time or paying hefty court fees or getting maimed. but other than that, okay! #layers

Want to date me? Here’s a How To manual I found on the Internet. I’ve only read the first two sentences, so let me read it all through and then respond with my thoughts below it:

Pisces women are very captivating and fascinating. She makes a man feel like a man because of her need for a protector and leader. She is charming, soft and feminine. The ultimate enchantress. She can see right through a man and she is not easy to fool, so any man better be straight with her and not lead her on, because instead of confronting him, she will simply disappear. She needs to nurture and will give the man orders, but only for his own good. She will make sure he is eating properly and getting enough sleep, sort of like a mother nurturing a child. What she needs in return is a man to protect and cherish her, make her feel like she is needed and loved. She might almost be clingy and dependent but never overbearingly. Her partner will become of better half. She needs patience and sympathy and you have to be gentle with her. Don’t poke fun or tease and definitely do not reject her harshly because she can’t stand rejection. She is extremely romantic and will lose herself in the relationship. The Pisces woman is the ultra feminine nurturer, the ideal woman for the right man. –from

I don’t agree with a lot of this, but that’s because it makes Pisces women sound like we’re doormats and I will assure you we are NOT. (Okay, fine. I used to be. But I summoned my inner angry fiery Leo, and so don’t F with me fellas.) As I’ve gotten older, I kind of feel like I’m a little more feminist each day, with each passing dumb thing from men’s rights activists and those annoying dudes who lead “How To Seduce Women” seminars.

I do think when I’m in the right mood I CAN be a bit of an enchantress, but oh lands, not the ULTIMATE enchantress. That’s way too much pressure, you guys. It’s hard enough crawling out of bed in the morning, when I am at my very least enchanting. I mean, for real. Don’t even make eye contact until about 9:15.

I do disappear if I figure out you’re playing me.

I am, by essence, a nurturer–I’m a total pushover. If I love you, I will forgive you for a lot. A LOT.

I am clingy but not dependent (I make my OWN paper…because Pisces? We slay). In spite of making my own paper and being able to slay, it’s still important to me not to be overbearing.

I do need to feel protected and needed and loved. (But doesn’t everybody?)

My partner, however, will NOT become my “better half,” because this is not 1950s and I will not be your Stepford wife. I don’t want to wear your pants, because I got my OWN, darling. I’m my OWN better half. If you’re there with me, it’ll be because we compliment each other positively, accept the negative, and feel unconditional love and acceptance all around. Control is definitely not something I will ever be into, I promise. But! I do need patience. I have a lot of it, and I give second and third and even fourth and fifth chances. I am always grateful when someone does the same for me.

I am not extremely romantic–the fastest way to lose me is to go overboard with that sappy stuff. But I do tend to lose myself in relationships, and this is a concern. I may need to summon my inner take-no-shit Sagittarius. ….Well, crap. You guys, I can totally see why lots of people are all *eye roll that’s stupid* when it comes to astrology, now that I’ve close read that paragraph. (Who wrote that, Don Draper’s dad?)

omg, we really do! (and if you put on a half-mask and sing us that Andrew Lloyd Weber song that goes “Nighttime heightens, sharpens each sensation/Darkness stirs and wakens imagination/Silently the senses abandon their defenses…Oh, we are all yours, Phantom of the Opera. All yours.

At any rate. Ignore that How To Date a Pisces crap trap above–basically, if you want to win me, don’t be a dick. That’s my number one rule: be consistent, be honest, be real, be funny, be smart, be kind, and DON’T BE A DICK. I don’t ask for much. Oh, and sometimes take me out for dinner and let me lay my head on your chest with your arms wrapped around me while I escape to wherever in my head. That’s really it.

And make love to me on a beach. In Bali. While understanding I’m an independent chick who could totally drop kick you into non-existence if necessary.

….I think this was supposed to be “Does My Zodiac Sign Fit Me” and I’ve turned into a lengthy, psychologically frightening online dating ad. Sorry. Really, I’m fine with just a lot of laying around daydreaming as long as I don’t have to make too many decisions and someone can occasionally redirect me and pull me back to the Reality Layer. That’s Pisces Amy in a nutshell.

Here are some other things I found online that made me and my fishes go “hells yeah!”

i mean. seriously, if you text me i’m not kidding, i go: aw! LOOK! my friend (insert your name here) loves me as much as i love him/her! and that’s NICE. i’m going to text him/her back right! now! (but not if i’m driving)
yeah, i don’t take my friends for granted and don’t really stick around when i feel like i’m being taken for granted. as far as complicated goes, it depends on what is being complicated…are we talking messy emotions? because those i can work through. being an insane, obsessed psychopath? gots to go.


all true.
and this goes for ALL the zodiac signs. whatever yours is: there are poems inside of you you’ll never be able to put on paper. surround yourself with people who want to feel them with you. (that’s a very pisces thing for someone to say to you, by the way.)

One thought on “how to manual, pisces style.

  1. Of course I saw a lot of myself in here – and one of the ones that made me go, Yup!, “but don’t cross us, because once you do we discard you and when we discard something, it is done…it is done.” – A few men have found this out, too late–I don’t look back once I get to that point. Done.

    Some of those things I thought “that’s not me!” But then I realized there is truth to them.

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