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game over.

well, someone talked to me. At the pub. I really think, sometimes, this is just one big game for Somebody out there: “oh she says she wants this does she, well let me send that to her but wrapped up in flesh eating bacteria wrapping paper. See what she does.”

So maybe the way to do this is to NOT play the stupid game. Just sit down and refuse to speak. Refuse to move. Refuse to make eye contact. No I will not roll that dice. No I’m not going to draw another card. No I won’t move my pawn. No.

I fall in love with people, the ideas of people, both men and women. And I hate being disappointed. I hate finding shit out about someone I love and trust that instantly causes me to take back my love. Or at the very least trust them 75% less and re-vamp how I do friendship with them.

The person I met last night. From Boston. Told me up front he’s an asshole. At least he was honest. Told me I’d never travel outside the US, told me I’d never get a story published, told me I was fake. Knew me 5 minutes and decided all that. I hung out with him, fascinated by his extreme douchiness, his insecurity hidden by over-the-top bravado and insults. Then he wanted to know how much I make a year. Then he wanted to date me. Then he wanted to drive me home. No thanks. I’m quality. I don’t go home with assholes. Not on purpose at least. And it may be in need of a big cleaning, but my home is my sacred space. I’ve invited enough bad juju into it as it is. I am done doing that, I am done.

I’m throwing in the towel. Waving the white flag. Uncle you win, Invisible Sky Guy. I give up.

I am going to travel outside the US. I am going to write a book and be published. The best way to get me to do something is tell me I won’t do it, but in a really a-hole way tell me that.

You know what else I’m going to do? Stop being so open with my heart. Stop giving my love to people who don’t return it at the same level. Stop hoping. And I’m not rolling anymore dice. I fold. Dreams and hopes all done now…I’ll focus on writing and traveling. Not other people. Unless they always tell the truth. I have high expectations for other people because I have them for myself WITH other people. And I won’t be talking to other people in bars from now on. NO.

I’ll come back this weekend with a happier post.

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2 thoughts on “game over.

  1. Dang it, I tried commenting but it said I had to log in to my WordPress account. Of course I couldn’t remember my password because it’s been ages, so I had to do a reset which then took me away from the comment and I believe I lost it. Anyhoo, what you described is exactly the reason that if my husband and I split, I have ZERO interest in looking for anyone else. Dating when I was younger was stressful enough and I can’t even imagine the dregs of society that are out there now. Should I happen to stumble upon a Prince, no not that one, then great but if not, I am cool with that too. I would have posted this on Facebook but I always hated that everyone can see what you post on someone else’s page and I don’t need people to see me discussing what I would do if I split from my husband. – Tina

    1. Yes, that’s a problem with Facebook – depending on what privacy levels you’ve established, lots of people you’re not connected to can see. I usually operate by the principle: could I talk about this with my boss? (I think most everything I put online I could.) (But then, I have a nice boss. :-))

      Well, the thing is (for me) that it’s tricky – can men and women JUST be friends? I’m starting to think no, or not unless both of them are supremely not attracted to each other or one of them is gay AF. And dating? psh, no. That’s for the birds, yo. And no prince (or princess) is ever found in a bar, around alcohol, I promise. Just a Life Truth I’ve come to realize.

      My main problem is I’m too nice. The Boston guy from last night kept asking me if I found him attractive. No, I didn’t. It wasn’t that he was just hideous, it was the fact he and I had absolutely nothing in common and there was zero chemistry on my part. Zero, nada, no thanks. I know when I’m physically attracted to someone, and that was not it. But you’re put in these situations, these oogy situations, where you’re having to hurt someone’s self-esteem or have yours hurt and I hate that. It’s the worst part about dating, I think. Having to say no, when every fiber of your Nice Person being wants to find a way to say yes.

      And then there are the Frogs. The hideous toads that put on the prince (or Prince) costume, until they’ve got you and then hellooo! I’m a toad. A warty, mean toad. …I feel like I’m rambling. I’m rambling.

      Basically, yes: if this should ever come to pass, don’t go looking. (A) you won’t find anything or (B) you’ll find something but it won’t be exactly what you were hoping for. Really, you have to be happy and content to be alone and by yourself. Anyone who comes into your life is just extra awesomeness to your already well-established awesome. I think, if/when I’m ready, something will come my way. If it doesn’t then I’m not ready. And I’ll say that to you – if you split from your husband it’ll be because it’s time and you’re ready. Anything else after that will be because it’s time and you’re ready too.

      (Another red flag was that he claimed to be connected to the Irish/Italian Boston mafia. Lands. WTH. What the h in the ell. But he was fascinating to note and observe. A story character in and of himself. He’ll make it into one. :-))

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