well, someone talked to me. At the pub. I really think, sometimes, this is just one big game for Somebody out there: “oh she says she wants this does she, well let me send that to her but wrapped up in flesh eating bacteria wrapping paper. See what she does.”
So maybe the way to do this is to NOT play the stupid game. Just sit down and refuse to speak. Refuse to move. Refuse to make eye contact. No I will not roll that dice. No I’m not going to draw another card. No I won’t move my pawn. No.
I fall in love with people, the ideas of people, both men and women. And I hate being disappointed. I hate finding shit out about someone I love and trust that instantly causes me to take back my love. Or at the very least trust them 75% less and re-vamp how I do friendship with them.
The person I met last night. From Boston. Told me up front he’s an asshole. At least he was honest. Told me I’d never travel outside the US, told me I’d never get a story published, told me I was fake. Knew me 5 minutes and decided all that. I hung out with him, fascinated by his extreme douchiness, his insecurity hidden by over-the-top bravado and insults. Then he wanted to know how much I make a year. Then he wanted to date me. Then he wanted to drive me home. No thanks. I’m quality. I don’t go home with assholes. Not on purpose at least. And it may be in need of a big cleaning, but my home is my sacred space. I’ve invited enough bad juju into it as it is. I am done doing that, I am done.
I’m throwing in the towel. Waving the white flag. Uncle you win, Invisible Sky Guy. I give up.
I am going to travel outside the US. I am going to write a book and be published. The best way to get me to do something is tell me I won’t do it, but in a really a-hole way tell me that.
You know what else I’m going to do? Stop being so open with my heart. Stop giving my love to people who don’t return it at the same level. Stop hoping. And I’m not rolling anymore dice. I fold. Dreams and hopes all done now…I’ll focus on writing and traveling. Not other people. Unless they always tell the truth. I have high expectations for other people because I have them for myself WITH other people. And I won’t be talking to other people in bars from now on. NO.
I’ll come back this weekend with a happier post.