all i want for christmas.

i’ll be honest: i simply don’t know what to do right now. i feel helpless. i feel overwhelmed. my heart is breaking. this is not who we are. this is not our light. our light does not condemn foreign countries via a 140 character social media platform. our light does not bury innocent children under rubble. our light does not value fossil fuels over human lives. our light does not rip blankets off homeless people in the middle of night in the middle of winter to make them move. this is not our light. so i will light a candle each night and speak to whoever or whatever is listening. i will speak up where there is hatred. i will not normalize tyranny. i will not. i will light candles and i will stay soft hearted. i will love big and fierce and hard. i will be, and die, a person of peace. for my daughter. and all children everywhere.

It’s been a long, cold, rainy day. I have a crap ton of laundry to fold and put away, my apartment feels like it needs another deep cleaning, I’ve got lesson plans to do, I’ve way over spent on Christmas gifts, and all I want to do is fold laundry and watch a show called The OA because it looks freaky and is about Near Death Experiences and my favorite storyteller is in it but Netflix keeps freezing it and saying they’re having trouble playing it right now. I’m having trouble $12 a month for their service, how about that. (I’m a complete wimp – of course I’ll keep shelling out $12 a month for my streaming movies and TV show binges.)

I’m in a blech mood. I’m trying so so hard to stay in the light, to not freak out on anyone and get all paranoid. I’ve got 3 days of work next week and I can do this. I can take my chill pill and do deep breaths and not overthink at all. Just keep going. Just ignore and go. Ignore and go.

And then I finally took a look at Aleppo.

I’ll be honest: I know Standing Rock was bad. I know I should have paid attention. I know I should just not even look at Donald Trump’s Twitter page, he’ll just upset me (which is what he wants – this is the primary objective of all Internet trolls…except this one is going to be running my country and have to sit down with, like, other countries’ prime ministers and presidents and kings and stuff after being a whiny twat about them on social media) (America, you have lost your damn mind).

Education is about to go to a really bad place, I think, with this De Vos woman in charge. Don’t even get me started on an Exxon oil baron as Secretary of State. The Trump fans/supporters I know all go: Give him a chance. The media likes to hype things up negatively, and these people could be a good thing. Give them a chance.

I’m sorry, no and fuck you. No. Go take a look at your new president’s online behavior. I thought George Bush was nutty, but he never scared the crap out of me like this dude does. Go look at videos of shell shocked children covered in blood and dust in Aleppo, of mothers walking around wailing, holding dead infants in their arms. This is inhuman. This could come to America. And President Donald Trump refuses to attend security debriefings because he thinks they’re repetitive. (Maybe that’s because the same shit keeps happening and it requires your attention, Donald.)

This isn’t a very funny post. I can’t write about my annoyance with men right now. I can’t write about my holiday angst and what it’s like to have to choose between paying your water bill or buying a Christmas present. I can’t write about loneliness or being a Pisces or make fun of orange skinned entertainers-turned-politicians or be pithy about much of anything right now. All I can see is a little 3 year old boy covered in dust and blood, sitting on a hospital gurney while his aunt wails in terror and grief – she’s the only adult left in his world to care for him – and he is staring blankly into space, confused from shock. He will never be okay. And I think: Will he grow up? And if he grows up,  will he become a strong man, a man who will take what happened to him at 3 years old and live his life in a way to make sure that never happens to another 3 year old in the world? Or will he grow up into a broken man, a man like Assad and Trump and Hussein and bin Laden and Kim il Jung and Hitler and every other despicable despot and demagogue in the world who will unleash his pain and his insecurity and his instability onto the rest of us?

We need peace. We need light. We need love.

And that’s really all I want for Christmas.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” –Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches