lists · living out loud

one year journal.

I saw something on Pinterest about keeping a 5 year journal. You get a notebook or index cards, make a page or card for each month of the year for 5 years. Then each day of that month, in that year, you write one line in response to a question or a goal.

I can barely manage to keep up with anything for a week, so I can’t do 5 years, sorry. But I can try something for a month. And if it works out, I can try to do it again the next month. And so on and so forth. Or I can lose interest or get distracted by my Life’s blow ups and forget all about it within 72 hours. Adult onset ADD: the struggle is real.

I’m in a life funk. (Again.) The reasons are effed up, varied, and stupid. (Again.) I really understand my cat, because what I’ve noticed is she’s very loving and cuddly…when she feels like it (which is always when she’s most exhuasted herself). And sometimes she feels like it for hours, and sometimes she just wants to sleep under the bed in its darkest, most elusive corner, for hours. She’s consistently inconsistent, just like me. And other than needing someone to put food and water in her bowls and scoop out her litter box every day (or okay fine, every 2-3 days the way I work), she’s pretty self-sufficient. But sometimes she just really really needs someone to stroke her head and rub under her chin. And in return she’ll clean your finger with her tiny, scratchy tongue and purr ridiculously close and incredibly loud and make you feel like the most important human being on the planet because she’s so soft and happy and content just to be snuggled up to you. Until suddenly she freaks out and runs off and hides in her elusive, dark corner for no good reason except this is just what cats do. But at least she’s not one of those cats that hisses and spits at you if you have to pull her out of her dark, elusive corner; she knows she’s a mess and she’s totally compliant with authority figures and/or her food and water sources. I completely, totally understand her. This is how I operate. To a T.

At any rate. January. 2017. On their way. Thank god, huh? Intellectually, I know years don’t literally attack human beings, but it does feel as though 2016 was particularly ghastly and foul, on so many levels and in so many different ways. I was fortunate in that I didn’t get sick, Miss M didn’t get sick, we had food in our fridge and a nice place to live, we had moments of great blessings, and we’ve got family who often help us financially in big and small ways. One day I’ll sell a book series, it will be turned into a wildly popular and award-winning cultural icon franchised movie series, and I’ll be able to make sure every single person who’s helped me is set – financially – for life. But first I actually need to write something. And to do that, I need to focus and prioritize better. And to do that, I need to worry about only the people in my life whose actions consistently show they think about me as much as I think about them. And to do that, I need to get off the Internet. And to do that, I…I actually don’t know how to do that because I’m kinda addicted, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not. So I’m screwed for now.

So instead of just brooding in an unproductive way about things I can’t control, I’m going to try to write whenever I can about the things on this chart:

january-goals

Today I’m going to address numbers 1-3.

1-My number one goal this year is to write one short story and actually send it somewhere, and at least start outlining a book. Writing is my number one goal. (My number two goal is to stop overthinking and caring as much, but I’ve never been successful at this so it’s low on my priorities list.)

2-I’m most grateful for my friends and family. I don’t always feel understood by them, and I get frustrated a lot because…because this is just how I am. But I love them, and I know they love me. So I guess really what I’m most grateful for is unconditional love.

3-No, I am not content. I have a lot of things going on privately that are causing a lot of frustration and discontent. I don’t share these with people, even people I’m very very close to, because I get told this a lot: “There are people out there who have it so much worse than you.” And that kind of ticks me off, because it’s like saying “don’t be so happy, there are people out there who are so much happier than you.” People don’t really know how to help each other, really. Sometimes people just need to hear: That sucks, but I love you. And then they need to come through. They need to show up with a pizza and some beer and sit on the sofa with you while you cry on their shoulder or lie in their arms and watch Netflix movies or shows. But people don’t really do this, because their own lives are chaotic and crazy and busy and frustrating.

Which is why I keep saying I want a boyfriend. I don’t really want a boyfriend. I want daily attention of some kind from a male of the species who understands and wants me, and a biweekly holding session. I can easily (easily) find daily attention of some kind from a male of the species online, but in person holding sessions are way difficult, and I do need these. I know I need these, because C just dropped off M after she spent last night with him and we’ve agreed to always hug each other before leaving one another’s presence (we are friends and we are family, and this is what friends/family do for each other, he says and I agree vehemently with him on that). I hugged him and I can’t tell you how good it felt to have a man’s arms around me, even if he did just spend most of my Christmas break being annoyed with me.

So I also know I can easily remedy this need by returning to my marriage and making it happen consistently. But from almost 20 years of knowing him, I also know C has his own set of demands and needs that I am painfully aware are going to send me spiraling into utter despair, because by giving him what he needs, I won’t be able to fully be me. Not that being fully Amy is easy or anything, and not that I’m not in and out of utter despair anyway. But I’m doing it on my terms and not being judged or criticized for it, and there is something to be said for that.

And thus my discontent.

Tomorrow I’ll address numbers 4-7, because I have lots of thoughts about them, too.

me-quote
saw this on pinterest, too, and think it fits really well here and also with where i’m at right now.

 

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