interview with a teenager.

I need to think/write/talk about somebody other than Donald. Come with me while I do some more figuring myself out/self-revelation. (Note: halfway through, I realized these questions were thought up by a teenager, about things that teenagers worry about…AND I WAS DELIGHTED, yet also slightly horrified by what teenagers worry about):

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? I love personal. I’m all ABOUT personal.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Well, I mean. If I was CAUGHT, then I wouldn’t need to fess up would I? Since I was caught. This question doesn’t make sense.
The last time you felt honestly broken? Every morning I open my eyes.
Are you craving something? Being wrapped in the arms of someone more male than me, who is safe.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A million dollars. Or a year long tropical getaway from it all. Or both.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none? I have one. Believe me: one is plenty.
What do you hear right now? Fuller House dialogue (Full House and Fuller House are Miss M’s newest obsessions…and are now the background noise to my life. Thanks, Danny Tanner.)
Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No, just one. Right up against a neighbor’s bed. The new lady next door is single and has a cat. Just like me. So it’s very quiet over there now. Just like it is here. (If you catch my drift. *wink wink sob*)
What’s on your mind right now? My overwhelming life. As usual.
Are you there for your friends? I try to be.
Last person to see you cry? My kid. At this point, she just sighs, makes sure I’m going to be okay, and then goes back to whatever she was doing.
What do you do when you get nervous? Start worrying. Start overthinking. Shut down. Crumple into a fetal position in a corner with a bottle of wine.
Be honest, do you like people in general? I actually really love people. People are like big puzzles, and I like to figure out what makes them tick. But the BEST people are the kinds with layers, the puzzles that last for years.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? Ah, I get it…this survey was written by a teenager who doesn’t understand what that question really means. One does not just “finally have kids.” One commits to years (endless years) of debt, being screamed at, doors slamming, sweet kisses, worrying, and healing hugs. Having kid/s is the kind of responsibility a teenager thinks they can handle because they don’t even know about puke in hair and cleaning up 3 AM pee pee accidents. One does not “finally have kids.” One has lifelong commitments that will age you quickly but open up your whole heart.
Does anyone completely understand you? I have a couple of people in my life who understand my patterns and see my heart. And really, because we’re always growing and changing, I think that’s about the best we can ask for, right? (Translation: I don’t even understand me, what kind of a question is THIS?)
Do you have a reason to smile right now? I’m happy and I’m healthy and I don’t live in Aleppo. So yes. (And I want every good, kind person on Earth to have what I have.)
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? You know what? No. (sad face.)
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? You know what? I don’t know. My first instinct is to scream YES.  Because I have done a lot of dumb things in my life. But all of the dumb made me smarter, and had I not done some of those things I wouldn’t be where I am right now or know some of the people I know. And so…I don’t know. Probably not. I’d just make a different choice and end up somewhere else. Happiness is a choice, I suppose.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything? Awww! This interview was written by a BRITISH teenager. Well, British teenager, my advice is to tell your mum and dad everything…until you leave their house. Then DON’T TELL THEM A THING. Please. They need to sleep at night.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? Well, I don’t smoke so I’d rather have a non-smoker. Though, to be honest? I have thought about taking it up, it’s been THAT kind of a life recently. (I won’t take up smoking…I’m too terrified of lung cancer.)

Weird fact about me: I love the smell of cigarettes and pipes. I do not love the after smell. Cigars are hard for me because my dad’s idea of giving my mom a break in the mid-70s when I was 5 and my brother was 1 was to take us on long Sunday car rides while he smoked his beloved cigars WITH THE WINDOWS UP. I can only guess how many years it took for our tender lungs to recover. Pretty sure we weren’t wearing seat belts and my baby brother wasn’t in a rear facing car seat. Oh, 1970s! You didn’t even know.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Oh god, I hope not. I’m tired of hurting and being hurt. My heart is tired.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future? All of the above. Give me a time period. I’ll think and think and think and think about it, til that time period is begging me to stop.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Usually 7, but I think I need 12. Sometimes 24.
Are you easy to get along with? I say yes. Mostly because as long as you’re not suggesting we jump out of a plane, handle rattlesnakes, or swim with Great Whites or other things with sharp teeth, I’m good. Let’s go do it!
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? Well no, I love her a lot. Even though in our last convo she told me I was too bossy. (Moms are SUPPOSED to be bossy. Why is this hard to understand?) Also she demanded a paycheck. (For cleaning her room.) What??
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Coffee. And oh how I needed it.
What size bed do you have? Queen. But the real question is: what size bed do I WANT? (California double double triple King size, with a hot tub and a billion pillows.)
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Yes, because I’m not into cold showers the way Trump’s into golden ones.
Do you like the rain? If I have food in my apartment, laundry’s done/put away, everything is clean, and all I have to do is read/write/or watch TV all day….yes. Otherwise: kill me now.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Oh, I hope so. I have so many people in my thoughts right now. So I hope someone is thinking about me. And in a nice way. Or even a compromising way. Something fun.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Every. Single. Day. of my LIFE.
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? Can I be a goodie baddie goodie neither? I think that fits me better.
Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Me myself and I. (?? This must be something that teenagers care about.)
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? Rogue One with friends. I hearted it.
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? In high school, during rehearsals for a Drama Club play, Henry I-forget-his-last-name made out with me backstage AND in the band room. We had a backstage fling. It’s an actor/actress thing, I think. I had a small part in the play and he was one of the leads. So basically, I was the starlet and he was Richard Burton. Who was totally married to Elizabeth Taylor. And I was tossed aside. TOSSED ASIDE. But I had my revenge, because they divorced like eleventy hundred times, and I ended up marrying an old, hideous film director from Germany I had 4 children with who left me for another young starlet and I took him for half of everything and ended up getting a lot of plastic surgery and wasting myself smoking Italian cigarettes, drinking gin and tonics, and sleeping with random Cuban men I met in salsa nightclubs in the seedy parts of LA. One of my daughters wrote a memoir about me and her dad and she became world famous when it was turned into an Oscar-winning movie. I’m currently in hiding as a hermit who hates the entire planet, and I’m having a secret affair with Vladmir Putin, trying to regain some of my old glory. (Shhh!I’m working on a story. Don’t tell anybody.)
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Yes. I used to get really indignant and self-righteously angry. Now…now I’m kind of philosophical about it, because I’ve had so much hurt and done so much hurting over the last year or so. You can’t love people and not get hurt. You just can’t. It’s the hardest part about keeping your heart open and being vulnerable.
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? Uh oh, luv. Might I direct your attention to an ancient movie called Risky Business starring an old fart named Tom Cruise? All kinds of things can go wrong if you do that…of course, with enough ingenuity and interesting plot twists you can totally come out on top. Sooo…MAYBE.
Do you regret a past relationship? Yes. But I wouldn’t have learned what I learned had I not been through it. So also: No.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? Oh lord. Teenagers, I tell you. Well, I mean, is the concert a soothing symphony? An entertaining Broadway show? Because if not, my idea of a fun Friday night is a nice dinner out, some wine, some Netflix, and then bed. Hashtag OLD.
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? I tend to fall for men who are kind, smart, nerdy about something important to them even if I don’t get it, open-hearted, patient, funny, generous, and good with their hands. (wink wink sob.)
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? Yes. Currently trying to teach my tender-hearted child that sweet teasing by people who love her and she trusts is okay. As long as it’s not mean, meant to hurt. (She’s one of those…she can make jokes all day about YOU, but you tell her she’s lucky she’s cute and we have a sobbing meltdown because you’re RUINING HER LIFE.) (She’s a Scorpio, though.) (No offense, Scorpios….love you!) (oookkkayyy, let’s move on shall we?)
Do you care too much about your appearance? Well, I’m vain, that’s a cruel reality of me. And vanity happens because of insecurity. I do know I’m attractive, but I can also list about 100 things about me that I find hideous and am constantly thinking about changing/fixing. When I go out in public with unbrushed hair and no make up, I’m either very sick or having one of THOSE days.
Are you a jealous person? Sadly, yes. I like to be the only one. I don’t like to be the center of attention in a large room of people, but I do like to be the center of attention of one person. I think it’s a little bit of an ADD thing (I don’t multi-task well), but also a little bit of an insecurity thing. I’m working on it. Because I do genuinely want other people to be loved. I just like to know I’M really REALLY loved. (Does that make sense?)
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope. Noooo money for clothes, only food. Food matters more right now. So does having a roof over my head.
Do you miss anyone? Yes, I do. I have a list of people I’d love to be able to spend time with every single day, I think they are that fabulous.
Last person who made you cry? Oh, it could have been any number of people. Or a TV show. Or a dream. Or just a smell in the room.
Does your ex piss you off? Well, aren’t exes supposed to? I mean, there’s a reason they’re an ex. Right? But then even your current person can piss you off. Everyone can piss each other off. It’s why relationships advice columnists have job security.
What are you doing tomorrow? Oh, the ushj, as the young people say now. (I have no idea how to spell that, everybody. Ushj=hipster for usual.)
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? Every WEEK?! What?? I am so beginning to worry about my child entering her teens.
Have you ever been cheated on? Yes. I have a lot to say about why humans do this, but whenever I talk about it people judge me or tell me I’m kooky. And quite frankly, given my needy and jealousy issues, I kind of feel like a fake for even having that opinion. But yes it’s happened, and it hurt. But it’s also an indication something is really really off.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away? Wow, some of these are DEEP questions. We’re swinging from “who rides in cars with you?” to “what is the meaning of life?” questions…well, yes. I only ever give people I love my all, and sometimes they walk away. And sometimes I’ve walked away from people I know have given me their all. It’s about where you are in life, whether you’ve been able to recognize that as much as you love someone you are simply not cut out for each other, etc and so forth. This was a big, deep question.
Do you like cotton candy? LOL. Oh, sweetie. Yes. It’s melt-in-your-mouth sugar. Only insane people say no to cotton candy.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? The person who created this questionnaire.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? Oh god. I’m TOTALLY worried about my child entering her teens now. Um, does anyone PLAN to get knocked up by age 17? I hope not.
Do you have siblings? Yes, a younger brother who I love with all of me…now that we live apart. (Love you, Chad!)
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? All the time. On the phone, in the movies, ALL THE TIME. (I get sleepy a lot. It’s a problem.)
How has the past week been for you? It’s been up and down. Thanks for asking!
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I DO! And they are the best. Love my friends who are boys.
What’s on your mind right now? My mind is a complicated labyrinthine mess of tangled wires with exposed copper fragments that will give tiny electric jolts if touched. Never ask this. Never ask this unless you are very very prepared and wearing protective gloves.
What were you doing at midnight last night? Being weird on social media. (The ushj.)
What is your current mood? Sideways.
Who was the first person you talked to today? Miss M. Who can be pleasant or not, just depends on her wake up state. (We are twinsies in this area.)
Will this week be a good one? I’m going to try to make it good, I’m going to try so hard!
Who were you with last night? Just my kid. Otherwise, alone. (wink wink sob.)
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No, thank god. I hate when I do that to someone. Usually what happens is: someone will be talking to me and then they look over and go… well dang if she didn’t fall asleep while I was talking! How rude! (It is rude.)
Next time you will kiss someone? I kind of don’t want to answer these boyfriend/girlfriend questions anymore. They’re depressing the poop out of me.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? Yes.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Cleaning, hair torture, aimlessness, and TV watching. A full, fun, fascinating weekend. The ushj.