winter is here.

Lara and Zhivago find out Donald Trump is coming to live with them FOR AT LEAST FOUR YEARS.

I had a whole bunch of things to say here. I’ve been thinking them up in my head all day. But now that I’m sitting in front of my computer, they have all left my brain. Kind of like Donald Trump’s ability to stay humble.

Can we talk about him for a second? First off, I want to note that my stats to this blog are suddenly getting hits from Moscow. On the one hand, this scares the crap out of me because Vlad has been known to try to poison his enemies. Poison, as in kill them dead with lethal arsenic in their burgers and stuff. On the other hand, it’s very exciting because I cannot even TELL you guys how bad I want to be Mata Hari. I would totally woo and seduce Vlad for some international spy/Cold War secrets, as long as my life didn’t end the same way as hers did. On the other other hand, on Twitter I saw this former disarmament specialist for the UN talking about how she hated to put on her professional hat again, but she needed to – she thinks, very seriously, the United States is being set up for a hostile takeover by a foreign enemy. That would be Vlad. Russia. And that’s quite scary, isn’t it? On the other other other hand, I’m totally down with vodka chocolate martinis. And the entire soundtrack to Dr. Zhivago (if you’re on a desk or laptop, you can click that link and it’ll open up a YouTube video and you can totally read the rest of this with Dr. Zhivago’s theme song playing in the background. I have the biggest freaking crush on Omar Sharif’s Dr. Zhivago, and have nursed it since I was about 8 and discovered my dad’s record album to this soundtrack with his picture on it. And I do so love Lara, who is actually a very strong female character in Russian fiction. My dad wanted to name me after her and my mom said NYET.) (Russians – the artists, not the politicians – actually really value strong women, and so many of their female characters will appear very swayable and weak on the surface, but once you start really analyzing their actions and how many men are broken by them you’ll see you don’t eff around with no Russian chicks if you know what’s good for you.) (Know how I know that? Months of 12th grade senior thesis research at Centre College’s library comparing female characters in Boris Pasternak’s Dr. Zhivago and Ivan Turgenev’s Fathers and Sons, and an A on my term paper: “Strong Women in Russian Literature.” The only other student in the class who got an A was a girl who wrote about the sexuality themes in two of D.H. Lawrence’s novels. It was Kentucky. I don’t think our AP English teacher Mrs. Dickey ever got two girls in a class together who were worried about feminist and sexuality issues enough to write researched thesis papers on them; I’ve always liked to imagine it was quite possibly one of those THIS IS WHY I TEACH ENGLISH English teacher moments she talked about for years after in that small town Kentucky’s teacher lounge. The other girl went on to write plays that were professionally produced and performed in Louisville, and I became a primary level teacher who writes oddly phrased tweets and Facebook status updates and entries in a blog that only 15 people read.)

Where was I? Oh! Right. Dr. Zhivago, Vlad, Trump, Inauguration Day. At any rate, I’m waiting for Trump to become President and Vlad to show up and take over the White House. Also, I predict everything will be plated gold by the time that guy leaves and/or is unceremoniously ejected by the resistance army. Dolly Madison’s ghost will be PISSED when she sees the 14K gold toilets and St. Petersburg Winter Palace designs.

I’m joking, but also being slightly serious. His behavior on Twitter is ridiculous for a man who’s got human lives in his hands. I know a lot of people who voted for him – some because they couldn’t vote for Hillary, some because they were fooled by his lies. What I see on Twitter in replies to his tweets is ridiculous fangirl/fanboy fawning by people who act just like him. And a lot of spam. Literally, there are spam tweets under his, hawking mugs and t-shirts. Tacky and classless, just like people who think spraying everything in 24K gold is “elegant.” (For the record, most people who say things like “I want this party to be elegant,” are the very people who have never heard the phrase “less is more.”) (For the record part 2: my 8 year old is one of those people.)

You know what I’m really shocked at, though, Internet? After witnessing the horror that was the Betsy DeVos confirmation hearing, I waited 24 hours and then went spelunking around for good grizzly bear memes. You’re getting lazy, Internet. You’re supposed to take the craziest thing a politician says and make memes and parody videos and inappropriate jokes and stuff. I found one, and it was just aiight.

The DeVos stuff made my blood boil. First off, this chick has literally never set foot in a public school in her life. You know how I’m always all, “These people making these rules don’t work day to day with real children!”? Betsy DeVos makes those people look positively profound.  Betsy simply wants to make more money. She’s married to an Amway heir. Amway is a pyramid scheme company run by fundamentalist Christians. I once sat through a 2 hour get-rich-quick meeting run by Amway people for a man I was dating named Steve Jones, who broke my heart in a million pieces who also, unbeknownst to me at the time, was cheating his balding little heart out with a fundamentalist Christian chick who knew he and I were dating and talking about marriage who’d later go on to marry him 4 weeks after she “won” him away and when I got disgusted and enraged and said so, they both got all saintly and said prayers for me and I was all F YOUR PRAYERS, SINNERS GET THEE BEHIND ME. (Obviously, I’m completely no longer bitter, 18 years later.) Listen to me, Internet: I’m no saint by any stretch of the imagination. But at least I don’t invoke the name of Jesus and then turn around and reassure the people who I’ve betrayed and broken like 4 commandments on that I’m praying for them to be less ugly in their anger at me. I own MY sins. I bathe in them. I writhe and belly dance naked wantonly with them under a full moon to music from ancient Babylon while sacrificing baby goats and eating their livers raw and presenting their genitalia as burnt offerings to the bull god.

I’m off-tracking me again, aren’t I.

At any rate. Betsy DeVos. Egregiously unqualified for Secretary of Education. Like, think of the most unqualified human being you’ve ever worked with and multiply that by 10 million. Now take that number and send it through the most complicated Calculus algorithm you can possibly find on Google. Take THAT number and double triple multiply it by 10 babillion, and you’ll be slightly close to understanding how very very unqualified Betsy DeVos is to be placed in charge of America’s public schools. Does she even know any poor people? Or minorities? Or rural whites who think whatever Trump says is magic, for that matter? No. No, she does not. This is a woman who used Wyoming and grizzly bear attacks as an example of why guns in elementary schools could be cool and had absolutely not a single clue what the IDEA law is – a law that’s been in place and in standard practice in schools SINCE THE NINETEEN SEVENTIES. Teachers can’t become teachers in this country until they pass a whole entire class about that law. She’s got stocks in companies that literally make money off the backs of poor kids and so sure. I don’t see how that can even slightly backfire on kids who have no voting rights or voice, or their parents who generally don’t know how vitally important it is to advocate for you children against ludicrous, power-driven idealogues such as Betsy DeVos. My blood reaches lethally boiling degrees when I think of her. I’m pretty sure she’s betrayed people and prayed for THEIR salvation.

And so yeah. Trump’s taking an “oath” of office tomorrow and by the end of February, we’re all going to be learning Russian. Is my prediction. I ain’t mad at you if you voted for him. You didn’t know. You probably don’t even read his Twitter obsessively like I do, so how could you? (By the end of February, how many Americans are going to be in the streets screaming to the sky I DIDN’T KNOW! I DIDN’T OBSESSIVELY READ HIS TWITTER PAGE!! HOW COULD I KNOW?!? I DIDN’T KNOW!!! in Russian.)

I wish I had happy news for you all. I wish I could be positive about this. When Obama was president, I felt pretty positive. Then I realized: oooohhh! he’s just another politician. But he was a classy, smart politician and the Obama/Biden bro memes make me smile. Humor. I like my leaders to have a sense of humor and ability to laugh at themselves. Trump isn’t even remotely funny. Trump’s idea of funny is making fun of disabled people, and that ain’t funny. We have voted The Grinch into office, except this Grinch’s heart isn’t two sizes too small, it’s dead and rotted black and if it’s ever touched, it will disintegrate instantly. THAT’S who’s in charge of us tomorrow, America. THAT’S who you voted into office, Electoral College. The Grinch. But the horror movie version.

Okie dokie, I think I got my ick out. I have to work tomorrow, so I’ll miss the Inauguration. I’ll probably try to at least see what my funny people on Twitter have to say about it (I have about a handful of blue checked people I always turn to for sardonic political humor tinged with a healthy amount of outrage). And then when I get home, I’ll watch recaps and drink hard liquor while staring at my television in mounting horror. Trump says MILLIONS of people are coming for his elegant, big day. Tonight, my local news caster quoted the Washington, D.C. police saying they were prepping for 300,000 people. But according to Trump, that’s #FAKENEWS!!!!!! Sad!!!! and I’m sure he’ll have something sinister to insinuate about the ethics of the very police department paid to protect his wrinkled ass.

But the bestest part, the part I heart the most, is the part where his party planner said the Inauguration would have a “soft sensuality” feel to it, a “poetic cadence.” (That’s a link to an NBC news site, which was probably the start of Trump’s latest rants on how they’ve lost their glory and are now just #FAKENEWS!!!!!! Sad!!!!!) Oh, y’all. I so wish you could have seen how long and hard I giggled when I saw that. It’s just…it’s…a poetic cadence. I hope Mark Hamill is allowed to recite some of Trump’s Twitter poetry in his most sensual Joker voice.

To conclude this blog entry, might I direct your attention to this important piece of YouTubery? It has absolutely nothing to do with Trump but it makes me laugh and LAUGH, and it reminds me of what Trump probably looks like when he’s on Twitter at 3 AM obsessing about all his “enemies” (aka American citizens who don’t glorify him and tell him what an amazing, bigly guy he is). I hope it makes you laugh too. We’re going to need to do that a LOT over the coming months.

Hitler: He Mad.