I’ve been drinking wine, so this should be awesome. Or pathetic. Or both!
Today I got my hair did. I added highlights. Sometimes you just need to be blonder. Your jowls are starting to sag, you find yourself Googling “cheap ways to reverse sagging jowls and double chins” and then you’re at your computer slapping at the bottom of your chin and sides of your face while you research various drugstore skincare solutions, how Botox works, and ways to quickly drop 50 lbs without turning anorexic.
But at least my hair is flippy and has that special salon shampoo smell.
Here’s what’s on my brain:
Miss M and I have been playing “Would You Rather?” games. And so I’m going to answer some. Miss M and I play the kids’ version of this, with questions like: “Would you rather have hairy teeth or teeth for hair?” But there are adult versions, of course. Here are some; I blame Pinot Noir:
Would you rather give up cheese or oral sex?
-Receiving or giving? Because I feel that makes a difference. I haven’t HAD oral sex in a really long time. But I’m good with it either way. Screw it. I’d rather keep cheese. Check back when I’m in love and loved back, my answer might change.
Would you rather smell like poop and not know or smell poop constantly and no one else can smell it?
-I’d rather other people have to smell the poop than me. Other people are selfish, so I will be now too.
Would you rather have taste buds on your butthole or poop through your mouth?
-Well, this is ridiculous. Because you’re screwed either way. Either way, you taste poop whenever you eat. So I’m going with taste buds on my butthole. It’s more sanitary.
Would you rather have to say everything on your mind or never be able to speak again?
-This is a hard one for a writer. Because I actually don’t HAVE to speak ever again…I can just type, which is how I communicate best anyway. But because I’m also a blogger, I pretty much say whatever’s on my mind (see above rant about other women). So I’m going to go with “say everything on your mind,” because honesty.
Would you rather eat a bowl of vomit or lick a hobo’s foot?
-uuuhhh, are there hobos in the world still? I guess I’d rather lick their feet than eat vomit. Not that their feet haven’t stepped in vomit. But it’s just one lick, right?
Would you rather have finger-sized nipples or nipple-sized fingers?
-Huh?? I’m going with finger-sized nipples. For the fun factor.
Would you rather see your other half in a porn video or your parents?
-I have a kinky side to me (don’t tell anyone), so I’m going with other half. (Nobody reading this actually thought I’d say my parents, right? I could not watch my parents…I recognize they’re human beings and we all do it and are here because of it, but jesus…there ought to be a Line of Ultimate Taboo, y’all. )
Would you rather have sex with someone with really bad BO or really bad breath?
-Bad breath. You can avoid the facial region.
Would you rather wear someone else’s dirty underwear or use their toothbrush?
-Toothbrush if we’re in a relationship, underwear if we’re not. So I’m going with underwear as my final answer.
Would you rather have a 1 minute conversation with your past self or your future self?
-Past self. Do I only have ONE minute?? I feel like I need about an hour.
Would you rather never leave the country or leave the country and never come back?
-These days? Leave and never come back. People can visit. I’ll live in Tuscany, and It. Will. Be. Fine.
Would you rather be a superhero or a wizard?
-Wizard. I got some magic spells I want to try out.
Would you rather pay or get paid every time you have sex?
-This is dumb question to ask someone with massive debt. Duh. You guess what my answer is.
Would you rather be a homewrecker or be homewrecked?
-Another dumb question. These were thought up by college students, and clearly the sorority sisters of Tri Delta had the helm for this one and the previous: I’d rather be the homewrecker. It’s far more fun.
Would you rather pee every time you stand up or poop every time you sit down?
-aaaaannnd now the frat boys of Old Dominion’s Sigma Nu are coming up with questions: pee every time I stand up. As a woman who’s had a baby I pee every time I laugh too hard, I’m used to it.
Would you rather live in the White House or Buckingham Palace?
-Buckingham Palace, duh. The Queen is waaaaay cooler than the Donald.