the call (part 2).

Princess and Dragon by Manelle Oliphant.

I started writing my story…it’s going to be a novel, I can tell, and so it will take a long time to write. Right now I’m excited about it, but I know me and I can tell this will be a project I really have to focus on. Like, I know there will be days I have to MAKE myself show up for it. Even if it’s just tweaking some sentences, or building a backstory, or working on a character…even if it’s just a 30 minute “eh, whatever” kind of brief attention, I signed a contract with an idea, and I will see it through. While working on the rest of my life.

But I have the introduction, and I have a protagonist, three actually. And three antagonists. The main protagonist–I found her, you guys. Her name is Aisling, which is Celtic for Alice, and once? I wrote a story about her set in the 1940s. She was a nurse in that story, fleeing her abusive home life, and she’s been in me a long time. I think she was my maternal grandmother, who was filled with love but tormented by her own abused childhood. She’s like an embodiment of dark and light, good and evil…pure love, but lost. I don’t know if that makes sense.

But now I can start building characters and outlining. I’m just going to do it on my own, without another writer’s help while I do. If it sucks, it sucks. I’m not writing it for anyone else, just for me. It’s the kind of story I’d want to read, about things I’ve always been drawn to, and it’s just a healing tale I want to tell for me, using some of the things and people and experiences I’ve been through over the last several years into a tale of ancient wisdoms and magic. I want to thread Campbell’s monomyth Hero’s Journey element throughout it, but I want it to be a story for girls, where the feminine divine has to struggle against forces of darkness and light, good and evil, and choose wisely. I’m not writing it to grow an audience, I’m not writing it even to be published. It’s just something I’m absolutely being pulled to do right now to get my head right, to re-focus, to let go and move on, and to heal. I’ll see where it ends up. I have no idea right now.

I’m also going to just let you know, Internet, anyone who is reading this, that I am lighter (as I write this…this morning was different…rainy days are different). But mornings are hard. I had a dream about a person I just let go, and it left me deeply sad and longing and questioning my decision. But I made the right choice, and I feel like I can’t go back now. It’s torturing my soul and my need to love, but that person…y’all. NO. I love this person immensely and always will, but what I interpreted he wants I can’t give. Yet I miss him deeply…and so mornings are bad, because I question everything and I really feel the loss. Mo(u)rning is hard. It’s better once I’m out of bed and my day has started.

So I’ve written today. I’ve written an intro, I’ve worked on the outline. I have tasks for myself, and I’m going to set the story aside for a bit and do some research and character/world building. It’s a really, really big project, and I don’t know how long it will take me to complete it. But I do thank my wolves, my dragons, for inspiring it. And I thank the faeries and elves and sprites and shapeshifters and other supernatural elements of nature I’ve met along the way all through my life for helping me.

I said I probably would disappear from here for awhile while I work on it, but I probably won’t? I think? Just because I need an outlet, and this is where my outlet happens to be. I was told, by the dragon I said good-bye to, that I have a difficult life. That dragon never understood me. I don’t have a difficult life; I have a life, period. I miss that dragon dearly, but I’m going to be okay. And that dragon is going to be okay–in my brain, he’s just moving on, looking for the next mark. I’m not really sure what to think of him now. I don’t think I ever really knew him, and he had selfish needs for me…that will be woven into the story. So it’s much better this way–to pretend each other doesn’t exist in the world. But I’m going to use the power I took back from him and create a big, powerful story and make my life a success, in a way that works for me. I’m going to get back in touch with the girl I was when that dragon first noticed me and started pulling me into his lair, and it just took me about two years to wake up and really see. It was painful. He said he was sorry he’d hurt me, but I’m not sure he really understands how much and why. I’m not sure he really cares. But that’s done, and while it’ll be a process to recover from, now I’m going to rise. Watch.