Still disgusted by and at my Wolf/Dragon. “Good luck getting rid of me,” he said once. Yet it was actually so easy to do that…all I had to do was notice, out loud, what was actually going on and what he really wanted, speak the truth and set some hard boundaries, and BAM! Blocked. (Gah…stinking coward. Partly I’m having a hard time moving on because I’m kicking myself…can’t believe I trusted him and shared my deepest, darkest secrets with him and wasted so much time on him. I feel so dumb.)
So I’m in the research phase of my story. Research is my JAM, y’all. One thing I saw on the internet was to write the WHOLE story down..kind of like how you’d just tell a story to a friend. Then you go back and start research. Then once you’re done that, you actually write the thing, filling in the details with sensory images, dialogue, background story, character building. Flesh it out and storify it. Which is how I’ve decided to do it…I remember going to the Margaret Mitchell House once to hear T.C. Boyle talk, and someone asked him about outlines and stuff, and he said he just likes to write organically and see where the story takes him. But surely you have to have, like, the flesh of the idea of the story fleshed out before beginning…at least a wisp of an idea of a beginning and an end? T.C. Boyle is on Twitter and he’s NICE. Maybe I’ll tag him when I link this entry on Twitter and ask him – T.C. Boyle, do you at least have to have a beginning (got one!) and an ending (got one!) before you begin? And maybe some ideas for the middle, but nothing too permanent because you might find your characters doing other things? Writing is an adventure.
And I will probably need the help of a good editor after a certain point, some more experienced writerly guidance.
Meanwhile, I have another idea/inspiration knocking. What do you do
? This one is about a long con…cuz I was googling things like “con artists” and “married cheating narcissists” and “lying assholes,” and I stumbled upon these two concepts: the Long Con
and the Badger Game
. And now I feel another, second idea forming…more of a short story. But I dunno…on the one hand, it’s pulling me because writing two stories – a longer novel plus a short story – would certainly keep me busy and god knows where my head is at right now, I do
need to keep busy. On the other hand, I’m really really
in love with the story I’ve started working on, you guys. It’s constantly in my head. For instance, right now I’m researching (which is my favorite
part…if you want a peek into what the content of the story may be about, you can go HERE
and have a look) (and I actually do have the title for the novel – the title is guiding me, keeping me on target – but I’m being all weird and superstitious and keeping it to myself for now). For years and years and YEARS I’ve said: I want to write a novel. Start it, focus on it, WORK on it, and finish it. If I can train for, run (I use that term loosely), and finish the Peachtree Road Race two
years in a row, I can write AND finish a novel.
Also and furthermore, this is the kind of stuff I read in high school. My brother was into Dungeons & Dragons books – they took him from being a reluctant reader to an avid one – but I was always an avid reader, of everything and anything. Then one day, in 9th grade, I think because he’d been reading those stories and I’d looked at them but not really been drawn to them, I stumbled upon Marion Zimmer Bradley’s The Mists of Avalon at the public library…he was checking out D&D books, and I found her book. Fell in love with the female characters. Read pretty much all of the other books in the series. I’m completely disinterested in Dungeons & Dragons mythologies – they’ve been suggested to me for research for this, but I’ve never been excited by that world, and quite frankly? I feel like they’re more for guys.
And just…Internet, seriously. Right now? Where I’m at? I want NOTHING to do with guys or anything guys like right now. No offense if you own male private parts. But honestly. Y’all kind of suck. With the exception of my stepfather, brother, C when he’s not bossing me around, a couple of other male relatives and the husbands of some friends, and maaaaybe 1 or 2 Twitter pals, y’all are people I just refuse to trust right now. (“I know what kind of a relationship I want with you…I just didn’t know what I wanted would hurt you.” Really? Really. Like, I keep going back to my old blog, to the parts I wrote around the time I think my Wolf/Dragon found me and started casing me and my situation, and I’m reading and reading, going…what, where, did I write stuff that would indicate to this person that I’d be cool, indefinitely, with that kind of a messed up set up?? WHERE. ~sigh~ Fucking men.)
Where was I? I’m off tracked. At any rate, noooo to D&D…I have a sour taste in my mouth about it now. But! Wicca, pagan, nature magic, Alice Hoffman, herbal brews and concoctions, spells, Book of Shadows, Anne Rice, Deborah Harkness…THOSE are the places I think I’m going to start from and leap off.
I don’t know how long the research will take me…through the rest of the Spring and then this Summer I can dig in. While prepping for my new day job. And I’m probably going to need to develop a lot of discipline.
So basically, I guess I just out loud/thought/wrote myself into the realization I need to respectfully decline the crime short story’s invitation. I’d have to start reading true crime and other crime-related things, and I couldn’t be less interested in criminals right now, to be honest. I think they should all be punched in the throats and locked away. Why society even gives pricks like this the time of day is beyond me. Being a bitch or a dickhead is easy. Fighting your impulses to retaliate and destroy is hard. Therefore, users and criminals = boring, love and morality = interesting. Fucked up bad girls = dumb and tedious, Fucked up good girls = smart and fun. (See where I’m at, true crime idea?)
I’m going to go lift some weights now. I helped C pick up a mattress/box spring he bought from a lady who lives in Sugarloaf Country Club – that place is fancy, so hopefully there are no bedbugs on the thing. But this morning I found out for sure: I’m STRONG, you guys. I’m out of shape, but all I need to do is really focus on weights 3-4 times per week and I’m pretty sure I can start kickboxing and punching men in the penises so they’ll never have sex again. (I’m kidding…maybe.) At any rate, I’m going to develop my muscles, symbolically and literally.
And then I’m going to come back here and do some more research and character/world building. And laundry. I think if I can just get my laundry and all these clothes under control, I will feel more together. I know making my bed every day has helped. Tomorrow I’m going to hike, and Saturday (squeeee!!) I get to see Anne Lamott in person. Life is sad, but there are a lot of good things in it. But mostly?If you have some time and money and can go see Beauty and the Beast, the one with Emma Watson as Belle and Sir Ian McKellen as Cogsworth the Clock in it? Your WHOLE day will be more awesome. I PROMISE.
And if anyone wants to write a story about a long con involving a whole group of people working together to hurt a sweet, innocent girl in really dastardly ways, please have at it, the idea is out there and needs a partner to work with. I’m sure it will be brilliant.