wonder woman without a purpose.

I’m going to work on my story a bit, after I post this. But first. FIRST! If you want to see what a real life Wonder Woman looks and sounds like, you take yourself to Google right now and start looking up video evidence on Sally Yates. I just watched a clip in which Ted Cruz tried to de-ovary her, and I watched her de-testicle him right back. Ted Cruz, don’t even. Sally Yates knows more about the Constitution of the United States than the Constitution of the United States creators knew about it. This was Sally Yates at her testimony:

God bless America(n women).

Okay, whew. That’s done. Now to why I’m here:

1-I just needed to get warmed up, basically. Because I’m procrastinating working on my story. I think because I don’t know where to go with it…I just need to sit down and write a paragraph. That’s my goal for tonight: add a paragraph to what I’ve got. Don’t worry about plot or character, just go add a damn paragraph, Amy.

2-I’ve had a sad day. Lots of weepy, “well maybe if I write this, it’ll get through and that will fix things” composing going on in my head. But ultimately, we simply can’t make other people care or even meet us halfway. I made a lot of mistakes in this particular friendship, but so did he. So I could pull my usual crap and get all drama here and tell you guys all about it, but basically I’m totally disappointed in a friend, someone I thought wanted to fix things with me for good and I can tell: nope. He doesn’t.

Not even sure why he pursued a friendship with me to begin with at this point; he’s already got tons of friends, and he’s clearly never really had much room or time for me in his life anyway, and now that some big things that were haunting/hurting him have cleared up he needs me even less…is what it looks like on my end. It hurts. It hurts, it’s confusing, but I’m just going to wait. And if he never comes back, then I’ll let go and he’ll lose me. He says he thinks he’s been chasing me…uh uh. I’ve been begging for him to add me to his life, getting completely insulted by evidence he can’t or won’t. So I’m just going to let him go figure out his life and where/when/how he wants to put me in it. And then we’ll talk about whether or not that’s going to help or hurt the friendship. If I’m even still available at that point.

That’s all I’ll say about that. (I got more drama than I intended, sorry, it’s a bad habit I’m working on.) If he reads this blog, he’ll know what I’m talking about. I do love him lots, but he needs to come through for me. One time. Once. Stop flipping around and show, by action, he means anything he ever said to me. The end of that.

Last, I feel like doing some intrapersonal reflection. Just because I’m alone, I feel like it, and I’m drinking Merlot, even though Paul Giamatti said not to.

Sideways = one of my favorite movies.
What would your perfect room look like?

Shimmery purple walls, white and black accents. Huge, shaggy, soft white and purple rugs everywhere – no shoes in this room, only bare feet. Fairy lights draped from iridescent, glittery curtains draped from the ceiling. Plush, soft chaise chair for reading, with faux fur throws. A hideaway nook for reading and writing secretly.

it needs to be fluffier, but i’d pretty much hide here all the time.

…and i’d never get out of this bed. you guys, seriously. NEVER.
What skill would you like to master?

You know what? I’d like learn how to swim like the professionals. Right now, I’m just good at hanging out in a pool, and occasionally diving underwater and gliding about 50 feet. I am a crappy mermaid.

What is the most annoying habit that other people have?

Crunching ice. Crunching chips. Crunching any kind of food. STAHP. (And yes, I’m totally self-conscious when eating crunchy foods, and sometimes I do – hypocrite that I am – crunch-eat ice.) Also: people with weird breath smell standing too close to me…like they don’t have bad breath? But I don’t like how their breath smells. And these kinds of people always (ALWAYS) lack a sense of “my space/YOUR space” and stand way too close…and then get closer again when I back up. Seriously, you guys. I have one coworker who kept doing this one morning so bad, we started talking at her desk, 200 feet from the door, and within about 10 minutes, I’d kept backing up and she’d kept getting closer that we were at the door. STOP DOING THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

What fictional place would you most like to go?

Soooo easy: Oz. The one over the rainbow, not Down Under.

As the only human left on Earth, what would you do?

Try to get a pod of dolphins to accept me as one of their own.

What is one of your favorite smells?

Patchouli. If I could only smell one smell for the rest of my life, I would choose patchouli. Followed by sandalwood, then frankincense. I like really strong earthy/woody smells with some sweetness. Lavender, too.

If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

Delilah. I literally never understood why my mom and dad passed that opportunity by, given our last name. In high school Spanish class my name was Mariana. And I also like Miriam. My family background is Welsh, and if I could choose a Welsh name, I’d pick Bronwyn or Cerridwen.

If life is a game, like some people say, what are some of the rules?

Here’s the thing with me and rules: I don’t have any. In the past, I’ve had people get upset or mad at me and accuse me of having rules or changing my rules. These were both people who were doing things that were either freaking me out or hurting me. I don’t have rules, because I don’t like rules. Oh, I’ll follow your damn rules if you’re in charge because I fear authority. But I bend them or just flat out break them if I know I can get away with it. Other than that, for me, personally, I don’t have rules. Ask my kid…I’m starting to have to impose them because she needs firmness and to learn boundaries, but I hate it. I’m not good at setting them, and I’m certainly not good or consistent at enforcing them or following up with consequences. So when people come to me and go, “Stop changing your rules,” or “You have all these rules we have to play by!” I’m always like, “Which Amy have you been interacting with? Or are you just mad that I’m not following YOUR rules anymore…” (gasp! what a concept: amy following someone else’s rules and then getting fed up and plunking herself down and going: NO MAS!)

I hate rules. The end.

What do you strongly suspect but have no proof of?

That a group of people and/or the Universe is conspiring to help me. But I’m really exasperating and suspicious and so I’m kind of exhausting them. God bless them if they don’t give up.

What fact are you resigned to?

That I’ll only ever be able to control me. Everything and everyone else is beyond my ability level. Even though I know they’re wrong and/or are going to fall off a deep, dangerous cliff…I can’t help or stop them, though I’m desperate to.

Have you ever saved someone’s life?

Yes. I once met a boy in a library who thought I was beautiful. I spent the afternoon being way too nice and talking to him, when he wasn’t someone I was even remotely interested in dating. Later, his grandmother called me to thank me. After he met me, he checked out of the motel he’d been planning to commit suicide in and biked home to them to tell them he wanted to live – he’d met a pretty girl who made him feel good, and he wanted to try again. He got his GED and went into the Army. We wrote letters and talked on the phone a few times after that and then I never heard from him again. I hope he stayed alive and went on to fall in love with someone magical, and is living a really happy life right now.

What do you regret not doing?

Traveling abroad when I was younger. Doing my student teaching in Bristol, England when I had the chance.

How do you hope you’ll change as a person in the future?

I hope I’ll be like Sally Yates, but with a Luna Lovegood vibe.

What state or country do you never want to go back to?

Ohio. I’ve been to almost all the states, except the Pacific Northwest, the Great Plains, and New England. So far, Ohio has been the only place I’ve ever been where I’ve been like: WHY??? What’s the purpose???

Are you usually early or late?

It depends where I’m going and why.

What are some small things that make your day better?

Somebody making me laugh. Hearing from a friend, either in person or via text, right when I need to. Kisses/hugs from my girl. Chocolate.

What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend?

Sleeping in, somebody besides me making coffee, reading a lot, a good long hike on a nature trail, a sunny/warm day, then dinner (outside dining) with wine and a night walk in a park somewhere. That’d be about perfect. (Sorry…that sounds like something I’d use in an online dating profile…but no, seriously. That’s really how I’d ideally spend a weekend.)