living out loud

five situations.

Current situation 1:

Six more days and I’m moving on to something else. I’m nervous and excited. Excited because HURRAH! Change is good. Nervous because it’s a change – I’m actually not that great with change, though I obviously don’t abhor it. It just takes me awhile to adjust is all. I think it’s that I develop expectations and when things go haywire (as things are wont to do), it throws me off, all off, and I get discombobulated and freaked out…depending on how off it throws me. Also, I’ll kinda be at the bottom of the totem pole again. Small chick in the hen house. Bull in a china shop. (I just want to do a good job, is what I’m saying, and not get lost or break anything.)

get it? GET IT??

Current situation 2:

I take a lot of selfies. I think because I’m trying to love myself…I’ve BEEN trying to love myself for awhile. I read an article recently where some men complimented women, and the women turned around and basically said, “Thanks, I know.” And then the men were all: WHUT?! You’re so conceited! I say to those men, and people like them: No, YOU’RE so self-hating. Don’t project your issues onto me. If I like how I look and I feel pretty that day, I’m gonna take a picture of it. Just like I’d take a photo of a beautiful sunset, or an amazing flower, or a gorgeous butterfly. Be you. Be real. Be authentic. Be proud. If you’re smart, say so. You don’t have to be a jerk and over the top about it, but you can go: Yay me! If you’re having a great hair day, snap a picture and slap that thing on Instagram and go: Hey everybody! My hair is AMAZING today!

…I will note I usually have to do some lighting and angles, because even though I feel amazing, sometimes cameras are jerks.

…I will also note that you probably shouldn’t fill up your ENTIRE social media feeds with pictures of yourself. Because then you look like Donald Trump (Oh, hey…that’s a great thing you put on your feed, but here look at ME. Look at how amazing I am! I’m a winner, bigly! I’m GREAT! See? And see? And see? And see? And see? And see? I’m tremendous.) (Some narcissism is okay and even necessary to get through a life on this planet without constantly wanting to off yourself, but still: check it…Donald’s narcissism works for him because he’s a millionaire surrounded by yes men.) (He’s also about to go to jaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiilllllll…but let’s keep it positive and as non-political as possible right now.)

taken this morning, 5.17.17.  i took this because it was wednesday, i was fresh, but more importantly i was super happy about pretty much every single thing. and that’s cool, because i’ve struggled with that for awhile.

 Current situation 3:

I do seem to attract psychopaths to me for some reason. Or maybe takers? I dunno. I do know that I’ve always met these people via the Internet, and I also know that when I finally figure it out – and I invariably do – and kick them to the curb where I should have left them when I found them, they get real indignant and accuse ME of being a mean girl, a user, untrustworthy, a bad person, an ice queen, a wicked witch, a monster, an abuser, etc etc I could go on. That’s called projection, and I find it fascinating.

I project to some extent myself, usually because of insecurity or anxiety. But the nasty, abusive projectors. Wow. I see this a lot in Trump supporters, very hard right conservatives AND hard left liberals (though I’ll note the hard right ones seem most dysfunctional…hard left liberals still embrace the “hang loose and dropout” Woodstock culture, and so they’re crazy too, but they usually are all “whatever, man” about most of it. The Trump fans do seem to froth a bit at the mouth, and can be quite threatening.

I’m sharing this because I want to note how very far I’ve come in a year. A year ago at this time, I finally made contact with my stalker and I screamed at him on social media. I was so angry, so very angry, so unbelievably angry.

In the past 2 weeks alone, I’ve had another Twitter stalker/harasser – this one set up ridiculous fake accounts attacking my looks, my weight, my life in general (all anonymous attacks of freakish inaccuracy and stupidity and tooootal projection…what a stellar example of a human being, truly winning at life, I’d say). And I received some emails from a former friend that were just…wow. Also full of freakish inaccuracy and stupidity and toooootal projection. The important thing about this is that I didn’t freak out. It was more annoying, more like “Really???” and frustrating and eye roll-y and all that. They can say all they want about me, but in the end I’m not waking up in their bodies with their minds and their lives. They are. And so keep on, Internet dipwads. I’ll call the cops.

In other words: I’m super duper nice and sweet and empathetic and sympathetic and kind and thoughtful and lovely. But if you’re a jackass, I don’t have to extend any of that to you, and I’ve decided I will not. I WILL NOT. From now on.

Over the last year, I have lost it – majorly, in incredibly immature and embarrassing and self-destructive ways, lost it on the Internet. Sometimes towards people who absolutely deserved it (see above) and sometimes towards people I really love but am so frustrated with/hurt by. I spew. It builds and builds, and I can’t control the other person or MAKE them love me the way I love them or even care about me at the level I care about them, and I just…jesus, I’ve got issues. I know it. I own it. And I typically do it on Twitter or here. It’s not really fair to the ones I love, because they aren’t awful people. But they don’t treat me well, and it pisses me off – because I don’t understand them. How can someone say one thing but not follow through? Or do something else? It’s very strange to me, because I’m not like that. And I guess I just have to get to a point where I notice: wow, this person said he wanted this but he’s not doing much to show me he means that, soooo…guess I got used? Just a bit? They got what they wanted, now their situation’s different and I just have to understand…even though all I’ve ever tried to do is to understand? Certainly I seem to be wasting my time caring about that person. Let it go. (It’s hard for me to let it go, but I’m starting to…and, at some point, sadly, I’ll let it go so much I won’t even be in that person’s world or they in mine. I’m tearing up right now, just thinking of it. But que sera sera.)

However. HOWEVER. I stand by my assertion that Internet a-holes deserve a-holery in return and I will do that til my little heart’s content. You don’t have to be nice to buttheads, you guys. You just don’t, no matter what Jesus, Ghandi, Dr. King, and my church’s minister says. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE NICE TO BUTTHEADS. The end.

thank you to http://psychopathsandlove.com/red-flags-of-a-psychopath/ (not using this picture because i’m saying anyone’s a psychopath…okay, fine. i think i’ve interacted with at least 2 psychopaths in the last 2-3 years. )

 Current situation 4:

I have a writing project! I have a writing project! In addition to my fantasy story that’s probably not a novel but potentially may turn into one but the important thing is I’m still paying attention to it – I’m writing 2-3 paragraphs at least every other night to keep it fresh in my imagination and keep it going or adding things to my research on it – while eating cafeteria pizza today I had an epiphany for a writing project.

When I walked out of my house and my marriage in June 2015, I was sad, scared, and angry (so so so angry…anger has been a running theme for me, for going on almost 5 years now). I was involved with a troubled individual who did NOT have my best interests at heart; he had his own. In fact, I’d say a very good portion of the men I’ve run into over the last 2-3 years have the best of INTENTIONS towards me, but not my best interests at heart. Most of them have/had issues that were troubling them, and I was the foundation on which they drew their sustenance and the false deity they made offerings to for healing and help. And yes that sounds dramatic, and no I don’t care.

Every single one of these relationships are either over or are completely on the skids (and to the one/s on the skids, I love you with all of me and if you still want me in your life – because I want you in mine – then you need to open up and prove it to me…not with words; words are cheap and I’ve gotten a crapload of those from you already – I mean with ACTIONS, because you’d be shocked if you knew what I’m aware of…I may be off track about some things, but I ain’t dumb. Because usually I’d go: I’m Pisces! I’ve got fish skillz! But really what it is a hyperawareness to past behavior vs current behavior combined with some emotional intelligence and other information – both given and self-curated).

(Where was I?)

At any rate, I’ve seen some crap over the last 2, 3 years. I’ve seen a lot of crap, y’all. Crap I never anticipated I’d see. I’ve been in situations I never thought I’d be in. And I learned some things. I learned some things about human nature, specifically boys. Learned a LOT of things about psychology, specifically abnormal psychology. And so I have an idea for a writing project I’m pretty excited about. I want to tell about 4 stories. You know those movies that tell stories about different kinds of people, and splice them all into one movie, and somehow by the end you see how all the people are connected even though each of their individual stories are very different? That’s kind of what I want to do, but in written form. The stories will be fictionalized memoirs but short stories (micro-memoirs) based on some of what I’ve gone through over the last 2-3 years. It’ll be a lot of work, and I won’t be done by the end of this summer but that’s okay. Once I’m in a routine and regularly writing (NO EXCUSES), and I have a path lined up for me, I should be good.

It’ll mean I have to get on a schedule though, and I suck at those particularly when on vacation. But I’m going to do it; I’m determined. The idea has been in me since the one dude went insane on me…now I have a firmer plan, a bigger idea. I don’t know how well I’ll conceal identities, but I’m at a real kiss-my-ass phase of life. So over some of you out there, it’s unreal. I was nothing but nice and sweet and trusting and trying to be helpful and real, and I just got taken advantage of and sometimes outright used, left and right, and then – jesus god, hard hard eye roll – accused of doing and being the very thing that had just happened to ME. Just ridiculous. So stinking ridiculous. ENOUGH.

So I’m going to tell some stories and see what happens.

smart + talented = joss whedon.

 Current situation 5:

Other than that, I’m doing GREAT, Internet. Really, really great. I decided to do Weight Watchers again – I have about 40 lbs I’ve needed to get rid of for exactly 8 years and 7 months, and that program is really the only thing that’s worked for me in the past…it’s not just the accountability, it’s also the food points-counting; I like to figure out how I can game the system. And Miss M and I have some really intense pool time ahead of us. I think some margaritas are calling me as I type this. (Currently, I take her for evening swims – she swims while I lounge and drink a beer and hang out on social media or Pinterest…the karma in this is that my arms, calves, and shoulders have 50 billion itchy bites all over them.)

Now I’m going to go take a shower – I am grimy from moving tubs and boxes out of my room into C’s garage for the summer. I’ve given away about 3/4 of everything I’ve accumulated over 19 years at that place, and I’m STILL moving an apartment…a studio apartment, but an apartment. If everything I have on flash drives had to be moved, I’d be moving a small mansion. Mind boggling.

this is what happens when red riding hood wins.

 

when i get a house, i shall have a purple door. (homeowners’ association, i will cast a spell on you if you say no.)
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