living out loud

love is love (maybe not on the internet)

Today is all about doing some adulting and then some writing. I’m going to add to my fantasy story. I’m going to start outlining one of the stories for my fictionalized micro-memoir project. I’m also going to be working on setting up a new blog. And possibly a new Twitter account. Mostly because I think I may need to use the one I have as a private account…I dunno. That place is weird. The vitriol by Trump fans is daunting. Earlier this morning I actually had a nice conversation with a Trump supporter…sometimes they try to make it seem like they’re the ultimate downtrodden, woe-is-them, sob sob. This is simply not true; it’s like Christians saying there’s a war on Christmas…huh?? No there isn’t. But whatever…everybody needs a windmill cause to obsess about. So I took issue with her being upset at how mean people who don’t like Trump are, and let her know: you guys do it too, and here’s what I’ve experienced and it’s not fun. She was actually very kind and gave me information to help me. I thanked her, she thanked me. Yay! LOVE WINS! …then a psychotically angry Trump troll parked her butt on my timeline, looking for proof of what I’d said. (A) WHO CARES, (B) you look like a psycho stalker when you do crap like that, (C) WHO CARES.

Look at the big picture, people in deep need of therapy who haven’t hit irreparable sociopathic bottom. Look at the big picture. I am a small fish in a big pond. Getting into it with me on the Internet is just you being bored, lonely, and wasting oxygen and HTML characters. I have learned, because of my stalking/harassing/angry emails from former friends experiences as well as my own unproductive internet behavior to simply no longer get into pissing contests with people who are clearly psychologically troubled. Block, mute, report, repeat. There is no way to win an argument with someone with a personality disorder, a DSM-V psychosis, a troll or a sociopath or a sociopathic troll…they are SO damaged, and SO removed from love, they are simply toxic. Completely, 100,000,000% toxic. Just like their leader. Who broke the Internet with Covfefe last night, and so thank god he did something good for once…since he’s about to pull our country out of the Paris Climate agreement, thus ensuring the United States of America will be wholly responsible for Earth’s destruction. Way to go, Donald. I’m sure you’ll supply us all with oxygen masks and asthma inhalers when the air is no longer breathable.

Speaking of breathing and toxic and love, can we talk polyamory for a minute? It’s something I’ve researched a lot for various reasons. One reason being I’m about all-inclusive, encompassing love, and right now, I may include it in a story. I am not polyamory; I’m a monogamist. I’m too insecure, too jealous, too needy to be successful in a more-than-one-person situation. Plus, I want to go on dates and make bitter singles such as myself gag on the social media pictures – how the heck am I supposed to do that if I’m on a date with Mike, Cheryl, Janice, and Tom?? Also you have to live in the closet because the culture at large in this country is completely repressed. Go look at some of Trump’s most disturbed followers–you’ll see what I mean.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve deeply researched it because it’s fascinated me. I don’t know why, it just has. Things grab me and I just get interested in them, I don’t really ask why. Because learning and knowledge. So here is all of what I’ve gleaned:

Polyamory is NOT…cheating, deception, hiding, swinging, swapping, open marriage, or polygamy (that’s marrying more than one person).

Polyamory IS…loving more than one person, in a myriad of different ways. The thought behind this being love. If you can love more than one child equally, why can’t you love more than one adult. Is the reasoning.

If you read any kind of anthropological study, you’ll see: there’s a lot of evidence that suggests humans are social animals with a history of effing around. It’s a cave man/woman kind of thing. Our male early ancestors needed to spread their seed around to establish evolutionary dominance, and our female early ancestors needed to ensure only the best seed got through. And yet we’ve got chemicals inside of us that make us also want to pair bond. I remember Capt. Lenny (my college Psychology 101 professor) teaching us about the more orgasms one has with someone else, the more pair bonding they’re doing. That’s also a cave man/woman thing. Our early male ancestors were about hunting/dominance, our early female ancestors were about gathering/protecting offspring. But we’ve also got chemicals bouncing around our guts that spike and fall and create situations where love feels like it dies, and then our primate crap kicks in and Taylor Swift writes 20 emo songs about what happens next.

Which is why polyamory may actually be the smarter way to do things, technically, but our culture at large wants the pair bonding, the love and romance, and Taylor Swift needs to keep writing hit songs. (I will submit the current president as a primary example of what I’m talking about…right now, he could have a harem and 3 less prenuptial agreements to monitor. But then there’d be less material for comedians, many less amusing memes on the Internet, and so many many divorce lawyers on the dole.)

I also want you to know I’m making something incredibly complex overly simplified right now (there are all kinds of terminologies, examples, non-examples, and other data on what polyamory is and how to do it), but what I have seen most is that the vast majority of polyamorists seem to do the polyfidelity triad thing – one guy with two girls seems to be most popular, but also one girl with two guys. They’re all in it together, a triad, and they’re a closed, committed group to each other. But there are also quads…two and two. And once upon a time out in San Francisco, there was like a group of 500 people, and Internet, that just makes my ADD brain shut the heck down. That sounds more like a rave.

The point is there’s no set or one right way to do it. Sometimes everyone is in love and involved; sometimes it’s just a knowledge that your partner/s loves another person or people. And sometimes they’re friends and sometimes they just know of each other’s existence. Sometimes everyone lives together, sometimes there’s a primary couple and the 3rd party (or 4th) has a separate residence or residences. Sometimes the 3rd/4th party is only involved with one half of the primary couple, sometimes they’re involved with both. Sometimes everybody has sex with everybody else, sometimes just 2 out of 3 have it, sometimes there isn’t even sex involved at all. There is no one way to do it, but the basic consensus is that if somebody in the equation isn’t aware of EVERYTHING that’s going on, then it’s not polyamory. That’s not being honest, it’s cheating, that hurts, and love doesn’t hurt. Ever. (Which I agree with – unmet expectations, dishonesty, and not treating each other right hurts, but never love. Ever.)

It’s actually a really lovely way to view the world, I think…I just don’t know how sustainable it is given how insecure people can be, but it’s lovely.

It’s also a lot of work. It involves constant communication, a commitment to scheduling, a sense of fair play, and a willingness to let go of someone else and as well as your own ego. It requires patience, a willingness to share (or be okay not sharing) finances and/or a household, a constant care and concern for everyone’s safety – emotional, financial, sexual – but at the core of it all is a deep and profound commitment to respect. In addition, there’s a unique concept in polyamory called “compersion,” which is being happy when your significant other falls in love with someone else. There are things like NRE (New Relationship Energy) to work out and work through and it just requires a lot, a lot, a lot of work. In a way, I kind of look at it all and just go: Wow. Stay single and monogamous, my friends. Keep the divorce lawyers in business.

Because most people can’t do it, on account of the chemical processes of falling in and out of love are complex, and quite frankly I simply don’t believe polyamorists when they say they’re completely happy their husband or wife is in love with another man or woman, I think eventually the insecurity and the jealousy surfaces…which is why polyamorists will tell you open communication is so essential; the need to address insecurities and feelings of jealousy are constant. And so most humans (including myself) suck at all of these things, and the majority of polyamorous unions don’t last forever – I once read an article about a couple who’d been married for over 30 years, and they basically have people fluidly move in and out of their marriage, constantly, because one or the other of the couple gets pissed off when the other half falls in love with the other half and then they want to kind of be exclusive for awhile. Are you confused? Because I am. And then I read another article once about a couple who was married, fell in love with another woman (both of them), so they got divorced so the husband could marry the other woman and she could adopt their children. Which sounds bizarre to traditionally-oriented thinkers, but works perfectly within the traditionally-oriented system we currently exist under and have for hundreds of heterosexually privileged generations. If I had to rate who was better at polyamory, I’d give two thumbs up to the divorced/remarried-so-the-new-wife-can-adopt triad. Those other people are jacked up.

(I don’t know if you’ve figured out by now or not that this isn’t an article I’ll be sharing on my private, personal Facebook page…y’all I can just hear my worry-wart mom on the phone with me right now.)

Plus, there are people who abuse the concept, giving it a bad name and creating misunderstanding around it. Polyamory isn’t swinging, and there are people who think it’s perfectly acceptable to offer up their significant other/s as if they were samples on a smorgasbord and call that polyamory. That’s incredibly disrespectful, and it’s particularly disgusting when men do it to women – it’s those kinds of men who make me want to punch the male of the species in their gonads. And there are couples who are bored and/or on the brink of divorce/break up who decide they need to try something outside the box to liven things up. They go looking for what polyamory people call a “unicorn,” which is typically a single, childless female in her 30s who’s basically willing to be the couple’s plaything, expecting nothing in return. Which is pure, selfish bullsh*t, I say. Everybody gets their needs met in a polyamory situation. Everybody is on the same page, and nobody is “better” or more worthy of more love than anyone else. You literally love each other equally and respectfully. Nobody is living on the fringes, wondering why they don’t get special treatment, too. It’s akin to sex slave, in my opinion, and if that’s what you want, there’s a different community for that. I’d say the most disgusting of all are people who engage in polyamory-like situations but don’t inform anyone else that’s what they’re doing. That’s lying, that’s cheating, and that’s not love.

I dunno y’all. There’s a way to do life, and there’s a way not to do life. Is all I can say. Figure it out, and you’ll be more at peace and a lot happier. The best policy is to just be honest, I think. Tell people where your heart is, what’s bothering you, and if they see your dark and love it as much as your light, then you’ve got a keeper. Who cares in what form. The end.

If you’re reading this and we’re family or friends and you’re  going: uh, Amy…are you about to dye your hair rainbow colors, get a lot of tattoos and facial piercings, and run off to join a hippie commune? Well, no because people who live in hippie communes don’t wash very often and also I like electricity, wifi, and hot/cold indoor plumbing…plus, I got bills and debts to pay. But I’ll be honest and tell you just based on what I see on the Internet, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it 100 times a day. I’m just saying Love is Love is Love is Love. And in my opinion, it’s just not for us to judge how other people decide to do that…unless someone’s being a donkey hole and abusing it and using it and hurting other people. That’s not love, and so judge away, dear ones. But in a loving way.

I’m just interested in what makes people tick and why and how, the different ways there are to do life, and sometimes I feel the need to stick all of this in stories I write. And sometimes I say I want to stick stuff in a story I’m writing, but then the story goes somewhere else and I don’t use it or I take it out. In the end, it’s all learning and knowledge and growing your soul big and wide, even if it’s not something you personally would do. (I would not personally do polyamory…I’d help Taylor Swift write her songs.) The most important thing is that in the end, it’s not about you. It’s never ever about you. It’s about learning and growing.

Sorry if I weirded anyone out. I’m tired of wading through hate on the Internet, whether it’s directed at me or not, and I wish human beings were more open to love in whatever form. There’d be peace on Earth, I swear it.